Jenalyn: Disconnected (#5) [Complete]

Chapter 4: Hayden

Thu. 12/24/08 • 8:01 P.M. PST

I hope nobody else noticed me leaving. I can only imagine the shit Mama Gold would have to talk after everybody leaves.

I can already hear her now.

'"Hayden, how are you going to be upset when I don't give you the freedom to travel like an adult-" she'd start, "-but then get equally as upset when I do? I can't do anything right, can I?"

The thought already hurts my chest. I'd never want her to think I'm not thankful for the things she tries to do for me.. I mean- she's clearly trying to give me the freedom that I begged for before resorting to running away! She's clearly trying to trust me!

I just.. don't deserve this.

I don't deserve any of this! What I deserve is to be in the same place McKaiden is.. and even that's questionable after everything I've done!

I probably hurt Harper's feelings too... she was pretty excited about the whole thing, and I kind of just threw it all up in her face.

What is wrong with me?

I didn't mean to react that way. I really didn't! I was just... taken off guard.

Flying to the East Coast, without any real supervision (sorry, Ty!) is kind of the last thing I thought I'd be doing days after coming home from an extended stay at a hospital.

It took me weeks alone to prepare for all of this Hayden shit when I found out my release date at Miermont. I prepped for the usual- a lot of time alone because of the lock down I was sure Mama Gold would have me on.

I didn't prep for this though.

A part of me wants to be happy about it. I mean- it's a couple days away from the baby, and that's clearly something I need a little more time before trying to process.

But another part of me is just... scared.

I don't know a damned thing about what Dane has done since that day at the hospital... There wasn't a trace of him at Miermont, I haven't heard from him yet since getting out, and honestly I don't want to risk having to see or hear from him any time soon.

Or ever again.

And then there's Jenalyn..

I haven't felt her in a long time; I make sure to keep swallowing these meds to ensure that. But... being back over there could trigger something I just might not be prepared for.

It's just a whole shitshow. And my head is kind of overwhelmed right now trying to process all of these thoughts.

Three knocks on my old bedroom door startles me into forcing myself to try and act normal. I didn't realize I had gotten so flustered while trying to process all of these thoughts, but the only people at this party who would know to look for me here are Mama Gold, Harlee, Harper, or Ty, so I've got to get it together.

A few moments pass before I open the door to find Ty. He looks slightly worried, but tries to act like he only hunted me down to tell me Aunt Terry was leaving.

"Eh," I shrug my shoulders, trying to act about as nonchalant as he is. "She's not concerned about saying bye to me. She got her vacation."

Ty tries to continue the conversation like that's really what he came up here for, but obviously falters off after a few moments because that's not what's on his mind.

He let's out a small sigh, brushing past where I'd allowed him to stand in the doorway, and into the room. "Okay, what's going on?" he asks, shutting the door gently.

Well, that's a loaded question. Way too much is going on, that's what.

I definitely need to talk to Mama Gold about having my dosage upped or something.

"Nothing," I shrug my shoulders, turning around to go sit on my old bed. I know he's going to expect an explanation for my small outburst downstairs with Harper though, so I'm quick to add on. "Harper just... tells me everything. I'm... not good with surprises."

Ty sits himself beside me, visibly questioning my honesty on his face.

"Are you sure?" he asks after a few moments. "You can be honest with me, Hayden.. I'm still the same ole Tyler... and I mean, this should go without saying- but I still love you... "

His face is openly concerned now. The way it used to be before I ruined everything. I want to believe him- I really fucking do.

But he was there...

Unlike the Golds, who only know about the struggle of one baby to survive the Hell I'd put it through, he's always going to be a reminder of my biggest failure... the death of my baby girl. A baby that they don't even know about.

He should've never loved me in the first place, but especially not after witnessing all of that first hand.

I... did all of that.

"Why are you trying to act like everything is okay?" I can't help myself from asking. "It's- It's okay out there in front of them, but why here? Alone with me? Don't you have questions?"

Ty is taken off guard, and let's out a nervous laugh. "I'm not trying to act like anything," he says. "I'm trying to talk to my girlfriend because I've missed her. Is that okay with you?"

Ugh. Sometimes I wish Tyler just... wasn't so in love with me. I don't deserve this. I literally don't deserve any of this!

"No," I once again can't help myself from saying. "I... I don't think we should be moving that fast..."

Ty's face changes the moment the words escape my lips, but at that point it's already too late to try and change it.

Here I am fucking hurting people's feelings again...

"I-I..." he tries to form his words after a minute, hurt so apparent in his eyes. He takes a deep breath, putting on the face he does when he has to push his emotions back. "If that's what you think is best- I... have to accept that..."

My heart aches in my chest all over again.

I don't want to hurt anybody else. I've done enough of that, okay? I just don't know what else to do!

I know I don't deserve any of this, but I didn't ask to come back! I was prepared to face what I had done before I woke up in that hospital! I was certain I'd just slip away in a drug ridden coma, and I deserved it!

"Hey, it's not like that!" I say, reaching my hand out to his shoulder and scooting closer to him while racking my mind for what to say to fix it. "I still love you! And we're still... doing all of this together! Just- ...the title, and all... I'm not ready for that..."

Ty tries to act like he gets it and puts a fake smile on his face, but I'm not that dumb.

I'm sure that's not what he expected to hear after months of probably just waiting for me to come home to him and "our child."

He doesn't deserve this either...

I have to fix this. I have to fix all of this...