Jenalyn: Disconnected (#5) [Complete]

Chapter 85: Hayden

Tues. 3/17/09 • 10:51 P.M. PST

Russ looks funny when he's drinking. Still very oddly attractive, but definitely funny. His eyes, mostly covered by his heavy lids, are glazed over and he sits there smiling for no apparent reason. His hair, still thrown up in a loose bun, threatens to topple down his shoulders. I have every urge to climb across the bar counter separating us to jump his bone, but may have went a little too heavy on the drinks tonight...

"Why are you staring at me?" I giggle as I finish off the rest of my drink anyway. I widen my eyes at him, a smile uncontrollably glued to my face. "Take a picture, it'll last longer!" I joke.

Russ let's out a quick laugh too, adverting his gaze for a second before he turns back to me more seriously. "You're beautiful," he says with a shrug of his shoulders. "It's hard not to stare."

My cheeks, flushed from my intoxication, surely grow more pink. He always does this to me; Would it ever grow old? Would he ever cease to fluster me in even the most simple of ways?

"Have you... Have you ever fallen for somebody this fast before?" He suddenly asks, pulling me from my thoughts and back into his eyes. I can hear the shots he's taken dripping from his slightly slurred words. "Have you fallen for anybody so hard? Is this... is this normal?"

I laugh at first; It's an automatic response almost any time I'm drinking and taken off guard. My mind is quick to rush down memory lane in attempt to answer his question though, easily pulling the three other men I've fallen for in any fashion.

I fell for Dane hard and fast, for sure. For the wrong reasons? Probably. But he was the first person I'd ever fallen for like that, and I thought he'd be the last.

Hayden brought Ty though. Tyler fucking Robson; Jena's literal dream boy! Obviously I fell for him like crazy. I never stopped having love for Dane, but things went so bad between us and I was transitioning to a new life...

I don't even know how Rob happened. He was a mistake, but the outcome of that mistake was what made me fall for him. I fell for him so hard and so fast because he wanted to save me; He wanted to save our child!

Am I supposed to tell Russ any of this though? Am I supposed to tell him this has happened to me before when his reason for asking obviously indicates that he hasn't?

"Honestly?" I ask after a few moments, my voice only slightly slurred as my mind tries to fight the intoxication.

Russ nods his head with a slow blink and a look that says he already knows the answer. Why wouldn't he? He knows about my previous relationship with Ty.

"I... always fall hard and fast, I think..." I admit with a shrug of my shoulders. Russ starts to mix another drink, offering me one too. I nod my head as I quickly add on. "I don't fall for everybody! I have a bad track record for just using people, if you want full on honesty. But the couple of people I have fallen for? Yeah... it was hard and fast as hell."

Russ laughs as he finishes up mixing the drinks. "Oh, so I'm not really that special, huh?" He jokes as he slides my glass back to me. "I probably only just made the cut for not being used!"

I laugh despite the guilt that should be swallowing me whole. Thank goodness for the alcohol I've downed tonight.

"No, no, no!" I giggle, my mind working to make sense of how he's special. I know he is; I feel it... I've never fallen for anybody like I have him! It's always been... different. "You are definitely special. The others? They... they were situational, I guess. The first guy I fell for was a lot older than me; Dane? He 'took care of' and adored me, and I... loved that about him for a while! I thought I did, at least. When he took that away though? Replaced it with abuse and hatred? Nothing. I hated him most times. I'm sure the only reason I can't fully hate him all of the time is because he broke me, not because he was special at all..."

Russ listens intently, his head nodding understandingly though he doesn't quite know how to respond yet.

I wait for a few moments, giving him the opportunity, before the liquid courage alcohol tends to bring out in me has me rambling on. "I fell for Tyler years before I ever even met him in person!" I had his posters on my wall, for fucks sake!" I laugh suddenly, even to myself. I pause to take a sip of my drink, a decision supporting my sudden bout of brutal honesty despite how sober me would feel about it. Obviously, I continue. "I literally used to dream about dating him. When, by miracle mind you, the opportunity arose? Of course I took it! He could have been the biggest asshole on the planet for all I knew... and he is now! But I fell for him already! It just... had to happen; I had to live out my dreams..."

Russ still nods. "I can understand that," he says with a shrug of his shoulders. He quickly sips his drink before continuing. "I get it! Those things happen; You're young! It's perfectly fine for-"

I know I should let him continue. He asked me a simple question, and I'm over responding because the alcohol has me honest in an area that doesn't involve admitting what I'd done with Gage. I still inturrupt him to finish my rant though.

"No, no, you don't get it," I tell him, shaking my head with an exasperated laugh. "The third guy I fell for? I'm pretty sure I only fell for because he was the last person I should have fell for. That, and because he gave me the greatest gift. Rob was Dane's right hand man. Dane, the first guy, by the way... When things went south with Dane, right before I was headed to California I ended up sleeping with him. I don't even know why, and it might not have ever happened again, but... he gave me Kaidy. I loved him for that."

Russ' jaw drops slightly agape for a moment before he clears his throat to respond to me. "I- I don't know what to say..." he says, once again shrugging his shoulders. There's a look on his face I can't quite put my finger on; Not disappointed, maybe uncomfortable?

Did I say too much? If he can't handle that truth, how is he supposed to handle my truth about Gage?

"Are you upset with me?" I ask, the emotion surprisingly lacking from my voice. I think deep down, I was already expecting this.

Russ surprises me when his eyes and mouth both widen in panic. "No! Fuck- No, Hayden!" he exclaims, his eyes troubled though he visibly tries to keep his cool. He takes a deep breath, seemingly trying to gather himself before he speaks again. "Hayden, I love you, okay? No matter what, I told you that. I just- I'm really glad you told me all of that, but... but if you've moved on? I've moved on with you. If you never, never want to talk about that again? Just move on from here? I'm okay with that."

Talking to him about some of the darker parts of myself wasn't as bad as I thought it would be all of this time I've been holding it in. Russ, once again, has proven to be the patient and accepting guy I fell for in the first place!

Maybe telling him about Gage won't be so bad either...

Maybe this doesn't have to be the end of us?