Jenalyn: Disconnected (#5) [Complete]

Chapter 6: Harper

Thu. 12/24/08 • 8:30 P.M. PST

"You don't have to! I just thought you might've wanted to because of what you used to say when you were pregnant!" I tell a very anxious looking Hayden as she awkwardly holds her baby. "It's not too late to try! Women's bodies are amazing! It could actually be really good for Madis-"

Hayden cuts me off before I finish, gently but rushing to put the fussy baby back on her bouncer. "I'm not ready," she says, brushing herself off as if Madison had left crumbs all over her. "Maybe we'll try again after New Years... not now."

What's up with that? 

I thought I was picking up on some weird vibes from Hayden when it came to the baby today. I just couldn't let myself believe it because during her pregnancy she swore she was destined to be a mother! 

She seems almost afraid of the tiny baby! 

I mean, she did say that the baby already kind of looked like the crazy guy from Pennsylvania... I guess I just kind of thought once she held the baby, maybe it'd have been outweighed.. 

"That's okay!" I say after a moment, careful not to press. After the whole Christmas gift thing earlier, I guess I've kind of decided to take the eggshell approach with Hayden. She's clearly a little... testy. "That's alright! We'll get her formula- that's real good stuff too! You know mom made sure of it!"

I let out a small laugh, but get nothing in return. She's just so distant. 

I don't know what to do to fix it. I guess just... change the subject? 

"So... what were you and Ty doing? Upstairs? All alone after months? " I ask with a playful teasing tone, knowing damned well what they were doing the moment I walked up to her door to hear her bed hitting the wall in a way that just screams sex. I only interrupted them because if I didn't, Mom eventually would've. 

Hayden let's out a small chuckle, though insincere. She pulls herself from the couch beside the fussy baby, completely able to remove herself from the situation though- well, the baby still needs to eat!

"Having sex," she answers honestly, to my surprise only because Hayden would usually tell me a lie if only to spare me the imagry. "I had to... he got all sad and... I'm just not ready for that."

Well. 

It's not what I was expecting, but I know underneath her nonchalant and detached demeanor that this could be her asking me for some sort of advice. So I can't just ignore it. 

"Had to?" I ask, careful not to sound too pressing considering her testy mood. What big sister wants to hear that her little sister is having sex because she had to, though? "What did he get all sad about?"

Hayden pulls out her phone, only checking the home screen before locking it again and shoving it into the pocket of her new blue jeans. She let's out a sigh, almost as if she has to force herself to answer me. 

"Because I told him I didn't want to be with him, be with him yet," she says, shrugging her shoulders as if she doesn't see how that'd upset him. 

I can't help but let out a scoff as I reach into the mini refrigerator mom bought for the room she designated Madison's, and grabbing a bottle to put in the warmer. 

"Well I mean, he has been at home taking care of the baby and waiting for you like a good boy," I don't even realize I'm saying until it's already falling from my lips. It's too late by then too, because the rest comes pouring out. "It's not like, totally crazy for him to be a little sad to find you don't want to be with him after all of this..."

I focus my attention on the bottle warmer, knowing too well that behind me, Hayden probably stands there wearing a look that'd make me regret having opened my mouth in the first place. 

A few moments pass and she doesn't say anything. The tension in the room only grows with each second in silence that passes, so I quickly rack my mind for what to say next.

Post-hospital Hayden has proven to be pretty exhausting to communicate with. This time around is no different, I guess. 

"Why don't you want to be with him like that anyway?" I ask, pulling the bottle after the thermometer measures the right temperature. "Did something happen, or?"

I hear Hayden let out a small sigh behind me, and I finally turn around to face her when I have to take the bottle to the baby. 

She shrugs her shoulders, averting her gaze from mine. "I'm just... not ready for it right now..." she says for what seems like the millionth time today. 

I set myself up on the pink rocking chair, gently taking Madison from her bouncer to coax the bottle into her mouth. 

The formula is good, like I said, but Madi hates the bottles. Even the preemie bottles have been too big for her to comfortably latch. 

I decide it better not to tell Hayden the reason we were all excited for her to try breastfeeding... she's probably not ready for it, based off everything else. 

"You don't seem to be ready for much of anything, love..." I say, moreso under my breath but definitely loud enough for Hayden to hear me. 

I look up at her just in time to see her stare at Madison with a look I could only explain as... disappointed. 

"I'm not," she says, averting her gaze after a moment without noticing my observation. "But... I'm going to make it work I guess... because that's what I do, right?"