Jenalyn: Disconnected (#5) [Complete]

Chapter 1: Hayden

Wednesday, 3:47 P.M. PST

"I don't think I'm ready to face the whole family again..." I say nervously, pulling the ugly Christmas sweater Harper had given me as a welcome home present yesterday over my head anyway. "Nobody even likes me anymore except you... What did Mama Gold tell the family, anyway? That I relapsed, for a second time, while pregnant? They barely accepted me before all of that, they're not going to-"

Harper rolls her eyes, approaching me so that she can reach her hands out and place them reassuringly on my shoulders. 

"Hayden, nobody in our family is as uptight and perfect as mom, okay?" she says, letting out a small laugh after. "Everybody else coming? They're just regular people, not in any type of spotlight! They're just related to us. They're not concerned about keeping up appearances like mom! Don't worry about it!"

Ugh, it's the same thing she's been telling me since I came home yesterday and found out I had to attend Mama Gold's annual Christmas party today. 

It hasn't made me feel better at all. 

Nothing has; Not even the drugs Miermont prescribed me can do anything about the anxiety I'm having. I mean, it's the first time I'm going to be seeing anybody besides Mama Gold and Harper since getting home yesterday. 

I haven't even seen Ty or the baby... 

"I'm just... I'm not sure I'm ready to like- submerge myself back in normalcy..." I sigh after a moment, picking at my nails and trying to steady my breathing. "I just spent three and a half months in a loony bin, Harper. One doesn't just come back from that to attend a giant party with a bunch of people..."

Harper looks like she wants to feel bad for a moment, but ultimately ends up rolling her eyes again with a nonchalant smile. 

"Oh, stop it, Hayden!" she says with a small laugh. "You're psyching yourself out! Everything is going to be great, and you're going to have a ton of fun celebrating your baby girl's first Christmas with Ty! That's all that matters!"

My stomach quivers harder with anxiety as Harper finishes up her pep talk and returns to my bathroom mirror to finish applying her makeup. 

I'm not ready... I'm so not ready- and it's got barely anything to do with anyone other than them...

Don't get me wrong, I'm nervous as hell to face the Gold's crazy big family flying in from Texas to attend this party. I'm nervous as hell to have to face Mama Gold herself; There's a reason I had Harper pick me up from the airport to take me home instead of her! 

But most of all... I'm horrified to have to face Ty and the baby... 

Memories are quick to flood my mind in rapid succession: the twins, begging Ty to bring them to me in fear of Dane having any connects with the hospital, the nurses barging in to sedate me, and then... 

and then waking up to the horror Dane left for me. 

Ty thought I lost my mind. He tried to tell me the machines they hooked my baby up to just weren't enough. 

I know what happened though. 

And if he got to see the bloody mess smeared all over the baby blanket I assume Dane intentionally left in my hands... he'd know too. 

But the baby Dane spared was stitched up by the time they even allowed Ty to return to the maternity ward. A sketch ass story about an emergency surgery I never consented to was somehow a good enough explanation for the incision for him. Nobody believed me.

I only looked crazier when I offered the bloody baby blanket as evidence that I was telling the truth, but Dane must have known I would because the shady doctor had a rebuttal that Ty believed more. 

So... I was just crazy and in mourning, destined for intensive inpatient once they got me stabilized. 

"-Earth to Hayden!" Harper giggles, pulling me from the horrors of my own mind as she waves her hand in front of my face. "Do you want to see the picture Ty sent me this morning? She's going to blow your mind! You'd have never guessed that just 4 months ago she was a little under 4 pounds!"

She's talking about the baby; I realize that pretty quickly but can't wrap my head around forming a response because my mind is so conflicted. 

I can't believe that even after everything with Dane, one of my babies survived... I should be so ecstatic, right? That's what I thought I was fighting for the whole time, after all! 

I just... I don't know. 

"Let me see," I tell her after a moment, forcing both a smile and excitement into my voice though I'm sure she already sensed my nervous hesitation. She perks up anyway, pulling her phone off the bathroom counter beside her.

I silently brace myself. This is the first time I'll be seeing her since the three minutes they allowed me at the hospital on the day she was born. Harper turns her phone to me, revealing a tiny baby dressed in a Santa costume sitting in a gift box beneath a Christmas tree.

My heart stops in my chest. She's still... so tiny! She's bigger than she was the day they were born, but she's only now the size her twin sister was that day. 

The thought of her twin instantly sends me off into my head again, but Harper pulls me back, clutching her chest as if she'd offended me. 

"Oh gosh! I'm sorry! I didn't even think-"she starts off, pulling her phone back. "I know it's hard for victims of abuse- ... and with a baby involved! I know it must be... ugh!" She pauses for a few moments, visibly flustered and unable to find her words. She takes a deep breath, straightening up after a moment. "Does she look like the guy?" she asks, lowering her voice to a whisper. "I know you haven't seen her since you had her, so if she does, I'm sure it's weird... but Hayden, I promise she's perfect..."

Harper doesn't know about Rob. I told her when I found out that I was pregnant, that it was my ex from Pennsylvania that knocked me up, Dane. I really don't have it in me to explain "the Rob situation" to her, so I just play it off like I'm genuinely curious to see if she looks like him.

I take the phone from her hands, ready to scope out the photo to see if she looks like Rob. It's hard to tell with babies this small, especially because she's still so tiny- but surprisingly when I look at her tiny face, I think I can see a resemblance to someone...

"Yeah... she does look a little like him..." I mutter, pulling the phone closer to my face to get a better look. I know damned well I just said my baby looks like Dane, and my heart pounds in my chest as I question whether I'm lying about it.

...does this baby look like Dane?

No way... it has to be my mind playing tricks on me.