Jenalyn: Disconnected (#5) [Complete]

Chapter 22: Tyler

Tues. 12/30/08 • 2:19 A.M. EST

By the time I make it back up to the suite, Gage and Jordan are gone, and Hayden is passed out between the suitcases she must not have ever moved from the bed. She wears one of my T-shirts and a pair of pink lace panties that hug her body perfectly. The light from the bathroom peeks into the dark room to light a small sliver on the bed. She looks so peaceful when she sleeps; I couldn't believe she's the same girl that was screaming at me yesterday if I didn't know her.

Is it weird that I almost expected Gage to have been passed out in here with her? He probably only left because of the way I stormed out. I'm sure he thought my anger was directed toward him. He may not have even known about Hayden's plans to meet up with him in a secluded bathroom for God knows what reason! I mean, he's my fucking twin brother, for Pete's sake... He wouldn't conspire against me, right?

The thought makes me angry again, so I'm quick to shove it from my mind. After having done some sobering up, I decided that it wasn't even worth it to be mad... At this point in our relationship, I should have just realized that freaking out on her about these things only push her to do it more. We had a bad day yesterday; That was my fault! Maybe her outburst last night was just a result of how I acted...

I promised her that I would work with her; I have to get a better hold of myself. I can't be a reason she keeps going down the same path...

"Where did you go?" Hayden stirs awake as I start to carefully remove the suitcases surrounding her. She peers at me through her eyelids, swollen into a squint with sleep. I'm sure she's pissed that I stormed out the way I did, I'm just hoping she doesn't have the energy to argue anymore. "You just... left. I thought you were mad at me again."

I pull the last suitcase from the bed, walking over to the desk to slide it beneath as I contemplate my response. Mama Gold and Harper sat me down to have a talk before Hayden got out of the hospital about some of the things she goes through. At one point, they were explaining her Multiple Personality Disorder and how she may not even remember things that happened while she was in a dissociated state of mind. This must be one of those times. If she remembered anything about last night in the bathroom, she wouldn't have had to wonder if I was mad at her again. For the sake of turning a new leaf though, I don't mention it.

"I went to the rooftop lounge," I respond, unbuttoning my pants so I can remove my jeans and crawl into bed. She wastes no time before throwing her arm and leg over me and nuzzling up on my chest. My emotions run wild as I find conflicting thoughts running through it. I want to be upset because here we are, once again dusting shit under the rug instead trying to work it out. I can't be upset though, because deep down I know it's better than the shit she'd pull if I did try to work it out. "I guess I just wanted to check it out before the New Years Eve party. It's nice... you'll like it."

Hayden weakly nods her head in response to me, but I can feel that she's already drifting back off to sleep. "I love you..." she mumbles, her voice drifting in and out of consciousness before she continues. "I know it must be hard... but thank you for being understanding about... about Gage. You don't need to worry about us... I love him. I love love you... Even after everything..."

I can feel my body tense beneath her, but I don't think she notices. If she doesn't remember my fit in the bathroom earlier, how does she remember that I was upset about her relationship with Gage? And is that supposed to be enough? She loves him, but love loves me? It makes my chest hurt; I know she's trying to make me feel better, but I don't think this is a situation that her admitting her love for him could make better... even if she does love me more.

Being an identical twin can be weird sometimes when it comes to women. Hayden isn't the first case of one of our girlfriends finding the other twin attractive too; I suppose it wouldn't make sense if they didn't, right? It's never bothered me before! Hayden isn't like the other girls Gage or I have been with though... We've never had to deal with it like this. I told Gage a while back when I realized that there was something between him and Hayden, that he could pursue things with her as long as it never got too serious or overpowered what I had with her. I did it because I didn't want it to happen behind my back, and find out later down the line... I did it so that I felt like I was in control.

Is this what I asked for? What I wanted?

"Were you going to sleep with Gage last night?" I ask suddenly, thankful for how calm and non-threatening my tone was once I hear it. Hayden is tired and vulnerable right now, and I know I could probably talk to her a little as long as I play my cards right. "Have you slept with him at all?"

I don't realize I'm holding my breath until I have to release it. My mind imagines a million different responses from her, all based on her answer being that she intended to or has slept with him already. My body begins to tense again under the anticipation, but I have to push past it.

This is what I wanted when I gave Gage permission to pursue things with her, isn't it?

"Yes... and no," she says after a few moments, honesty in her voice despite the fact that she's half asleep.

I don't know whether I'm relieved or not. On one hand, she hasn't slept with him yet; I should be glad about that. But on the other, she just admitted that she was completely prepared to do so last night... How could I be glad that she hasn't slept with him yet when I'm pretty certain now that'll it'll happen in the future? Had I not burst into the bathroom earlier, instead of Gage? Had I not just asked of her intentions were to sleep with him? I wouldn't have known! Nobody told me what was going on!

This isn't what I wanted, but it's what I got myself into... And now I'm starting to question whether it's better this way.