Jenalyn: Disconnected (#5) [Complete]

Chapter 10: Hayden

Thu. 12/25/08 • 12:46 A.M. PST

"Can you just tell me which baby it was?!" I keep screaming though no physical sound will come from my throat. "They wouldn't let me see them before they shipped me here! Tell me which baby he killed!"

Dr. Song chuckles, which is very unusual for the impersonal, deadpan doctor I somehow just know she is.

Why do I feel like I know her so well?

How long have I been here? How long has it been since he killed my baby?!

"Which baby do you want it to be, Hayden?" Dr. Song asks, seemingly calm despite the way I freak out sitting on the... bed across from her. "They're not the same inside, you know. You better choose carefully!"

I wonder why there's suddenly a bed in her office? And how don't I remember questioning the change when I first came in here?

Wait- when did I even get in here?

"You're not making any sense!" I scream at the doctor despite the fear of the sedative injection I know I'll get if I freak out too much. "None of this makes sense! Why is there a bed in here?!"

Dr. Song laughs again, looking down at the chair I now sit on and raising her brows at me as if I'm crazy.

And I mean... I must be crazy! I swear this was a bed a minute ago!

"I- ...I thought this was a bed..." I say confused, but not confused enough to question it too hard.

Dr. Song nods her head as if to understand the blasphemy that just happened completely.

"You thought," she says, matter of factly. "That always seems to be the problem, doesn't it? Now look how easy that was!"

I don't really follow what she's saying. Something about this entire session just seems... off. Dr. Song usually makes sense! But now? Now I'm just... lost.

"What's the matter, Hayden?" she asks after a few moments, maybe sensing the confusion I can literally feel radiating off of me.

I shrug my shoulders, only able to physically feel that I have shoulders once I do. It's a weird feeling...

"Ugh, nothing..." I mumble, looking down to my lap and somehow feeling surprised to find that my legs are there. I don't... I don't think I can feel anything? "I just feel- ... I feel like I'm in a dream or something... I can't-"

Dr. Song cuts me off, which is also very unusal for her. She usually listens to every word I say so intently!

"Oh, really?" she asks as if what I said was normal. But shouldn't they look into this? Maybe they over dosed me on those psych meds they've been shoving down my throat! "That just means you chose wrong, Hayden. Remember the bed? You should've just called it a chair and moved on."

Okay- they had to have over dosed me on the goddamned medicine! Practically nothing this woman is saying is making any fucking sense, yet she delivers her statements in such a normal way- it has to just be my head tripping!

"Huh?" I mutter, ready to question my last dose of medication when I am, once again, cut off.

"You chose wrong, Hayden!" Harper says, her voice almost frantic as she nudges my arm. "We can't take that! Look at all that dirty blood!"

How did-

When did-

I start to question how I ended up at my house in my massive bedroom with Harper, but before the question can even fully form the first half is lost and I'm wondering what I was even questioning in the first place!

"Dirty blood? She... she's bleeding?" I ask, trying to follow Harper's gaze only to find that she's staring at nothing. "Whose bleeding, Harper? I- I'm so confused!"

Harper rolls her eyes, reaching her hand out to raise mine to my face.

I'm holding a bloody baby blanket. The bloody blanket Dane left for me when-

"I mean, there's got to be a reason, right?" Harper asks, her demeanor suddenly nonchalant as she shrugs her shoulders. "He could just like beds better when he's talking to Dr. Song! That doesn't mean you couldn't have just sat in a chair, right? Would it make you feel better to pretend the bed was a chair?"

I wish I knew what she was talking about... the conversation sounds a little familiar, but I feel like I must have zoned out or something because I just have no idea what to respond.

"Their insides are different, but at least you can sit on both. That's all I'm saying." Harper says after a few moments of watching me try to process her cryptic words. "-and plus, Tyler told me about the bench. Dirty. Blood."

What! Ty promised he wouldn't tell any of the Golds!

"You promised you wouldn't tell them!" I'm screaming at Ty without even questioning how, somehow, Harper has turned into him.

Maybe I was talking to Harper earlier...? Do I just keep losing time? It does look like it's dark outside now. I feel like it was light out when I was standing here talking to Harper...?

I should talk to Mama Gold about lowering my doses- this is getting bad.

"They wanted to know her name!" he snaps at me in response. "What was I supposed to do?! Wait until you got out!?"

I'm... losing my shit. What are we even talking about? Why doesn't anybody fucking understand me?!

"Tyler, I'm taking about the bench! Why did you tell Harper about the bench?!" I scream, once again having to question whether or not any noise is even coming from my throat. "You promised me you weren't going to tell them about that! You fucking promised me Ty! How am I supposed to be with you when you can't even keep a promise?!"

He doesn't look how he'd look listening to me yell and scream at him. He'd either look sad because he fucked something up, or mad because I did and won't listen to him. But he doesn't ever look... happy... excited... amused...

"And you promised McKaiden life," he says, his voice cold and unfamiliar. It sends chills down my spine, and the whole atmosphere in my room suddenly feels draining. "How am I supposed to be with you when you can't even keep that promise?"

I can feel myself grow hot with tears. It's one of the only things I can feel. But the moment I clench my eyes shut to try and stop them, I'm jerked awake only to find that..

I'm in the hospital? Upper Ridge?

Did I just... did I just dream up like, a whole 6 months of my life? ... none of that even happened??

I immediately look to my right questioning just how much of that dream was an actual dream if I really am at Upper Ridge hospital.

Dr. Ericsson's name is scribbled on a whiteboard along with a congratulations message, like I remember, confirming that I definitely gave birth and ended up at this hospital.

I go to turn my head to the left, immediately thinking of the twin girls that should both be alive if I'm not strapped to the bars on this hospital bed yet.

But a soft cloth in my hand freezes me in my tracks before the overwhelming smell of iron fills my nostrils.

No... no no no no no!

I look to the right, expecting but not prepared to see the mess I somehow already know waits for me. My dead baby girl, and a bloody mess of the other barely surviving, but purposely kept alive for some reason.

I'm shocked when I finally turn my head though. Shocked, confused, and honestly even a little scared.

There's just a bed, and a chair.

A bed and a chair I know for a fact... doesn't belong here.