Jenalyn: Disconnected (#5) [Complete]

Chapter 80: Tyler

Tues. 3/17/09 • 10:26 A.M. PST

I think yesterday may have quite possibly been the worst birthday I've ever had...

For starters, I think it's the first birthday I've ever spent without my twin brother, which was a little weird. For obvious reasons, our birthday has always been a day we'd be celebrated as the Robson brothers instead of just Gage and Tyler. It's kind of a thing with twins, especially those who remained as close as Gage and I have starting a music career together. 

I couldn't stop wondering what he was doing yesterday. I questioned if I should just put the past behind us, be the bigger man, and go back to our place to spend what I had left of the day with him.

It seemed like the right thing to do. It seemed like the only thing that could make the day feel "normal."

I couldn't bring myself to do it though; I couldn't be the bigger man. Everything that's happened in these past three months: with Hayden, with myself, with Sophie? It's all been his fault! This whole well I find myself at the bottom of was dug out by my own twin brother's selfish decision to betray me!

I would have never agreed to taking a break from Hayden had he not slept with her in New York! I've always been so patient and understanding of the relationship they had, but that was just crossing the fucking lines! I would have never been at Sophie's had he not caused us to break up, I would have never stuck my dick in her, and I would never have to be laying in this crappy hotel room to avoid finding out if I actually knocked her up again! 

I spent most of yesterday sitting around with her trying to seem okay when the reality was that I had never felt so trapped. I'm not the kind of guy to abandon a child I helped bring into this world, and Sophie knows that! The moment it hit 5'o'clock, I told her I was going to a birthday dinner with the boys from Gen Z, went to my studio by myself, and sat around drinking until I cleaned out the boy's entire stash of beers in the mini fridge. I should have went back to her place last night; I knew she was heading to the doctors for a blood test early this morning and that should have been there with her...

I couldn't though... In my drunken stupor, I convinced myself it'd be better to just avoid the situation as a whole. Even now, hungover instead of drunk, I wish I could avoid it! I can't anymore though; Sophie sent a series of texts I know I can't ignore forever. 

A series of texts that try to seal my fate for me.

Sophie: I'm really hoping you
just had a few too many drinks
with the boys, crashed at one 
of their places, and missed 
this for reasons other than 
what my head is telling me...
Sophie: I'm pregnant. I don't 
know how you really feel about
that, but I'm keeping it so...
we're going to have to figure
something out at some point.
Sophie: I love you, hope to hear
from you soon. Kind of worried
you're trying to ghost me...

Oh, God. 

My heart sinks down to the depths of my stomach. I knew the test results would be positive, I just didn't want to have to face what I'd done so blatantly. I didn't want to have to deal with the repercussions of my actions.

So, this is it... this is the actual end of me and Hayden. There is no way she would forgive me if she found out about this, right? And there is no way I could keep it from her either! 

I let out a defeated sigh, my mind working endlessly to try to figure out what to do from here. I'm going to have to handle this. 

I should talk to Sophie; I need to let her know that though I will always be there for my children, born and unborn, that I can't be with her in the way that she wants me to. I'm not ready for that yet, whether or not Hayden can forgive me after she finds out about all of this. 

I should talk to Hayden too... tell her about all of this, and beg for her forgiveness and understanding that these past three months have been especially hard for me to deal with too. I'll admit that I messed up, and do everything in my power to make it up to her. We've both made mistakes! I stuck with her through so much! Maybe she can still find it in herself to do the same for me...

All of this seems impossible; I don't know if I'll be able to do a goddamned thing, to be honest! My head is so stuffed and scrambled at this point, it's probably better I take a breath before attempting any of it. Heading out to a liquor store or a bar and drinking myself into a stupor again is a much easier option though...

That's all it takes for my mind, overwhelmed by my own decisions these past few months, to throw everything I should do right now on the back burner to pursue another mindlessly drunken day/night.