The Broken Blonde

Chapter Ninety-Eight

I couldn't understand how she done it, she just witnessed her sons death yet she was so strong, it made me feel pathetic, like the roles were reversed. My head was buried in her chest, sobbing weakly as she stroked my head, I felt like it was my duty to comfort her; a grieving mother but there I stood hiding away in her arms not able to face something she has yet to look away from. The scent of her perfume eased its way through me making me drift away from the once life-threatening thoughts, the scent of warm vanilla filled up the empty space that I left for him, gently settling inside of me like medicine. After all this time the one thing I lacked was having someone who'd comfort me even if the situation is one they can't cope with themselves, after all thats what a mothers there for.

Though what I didn't grasp was that she had already lost her son a long time ago, Draco was doomed by birth, born into a family that expected too highly of him and she watched as he wasted away. As for being born into two generations of purebloods, its expected that you would be brought up with expectations one would only dream of having but unless you've experienced it there was no point trying to understand it. Narcissa watched as her son was brought up just like the rest, growing to have the same views and mannerisms as his father, a cruel man to say the least and what she got was nothing more than a copy. She loved Draco, I could see that the minute I met her, there was no denying that he was the reason she pushed through it all but now that he was gone, she had no one left but me.

"Thank you." Her soft but dire whisper faded out my wheeps completely, I paused. What could she possibly be thankful about, I was one he died for, I was the one that lured him away from her, made him put his family on the line because I was too naïve to realise that everything wasn't that simple. I felt her hand press gently against my head bringing it in closer, then a small droplet fell from my cheek the only thing being that the tear didn't fall from my eyes.

Her head rested on mine as she stroked it more as a coping mechanism, not just attempting to comfort me but also herself. Her breath was steady while mine was the opposite, I was short of breath leaving it all with Draco, I no longer wanted it yet here I stand still needing it. Though my eyes were closed I wasn't able to get the picture out of my head, his pale face struck with misfortune that death stole from me and for that I'll never forgive him. The ache was never leaving, it weighed down heavier than I'm able to carry unless the feeling of guilt somehow lifted which I knew it never would.

I felt as if I didn't deserve her comfort, the last remaining bit of her love that she clung onto so dearly shouldn't be wasted on me, she deserved better. So with that I thought it was best if I was the one to let go, the guilt that lingered with me hurt the most out of anything else and the only way I assumed I was able to get rid was if I parted myself from the person closest to Draco. I slightly lifted my head, my eyes red and puffy and dried tears still dotted on my cheek, I could hardly speak but as soon as her eyes met with mine, I realised how hard this was going to be.

"I can't pretend to be Draco Narcissa, I can't seek comfort with you when I know what I've done. Its not fair" I spoke hesitantly, my eyes glassy and lip quivering as I stared into her eyes that reminded me so much of his. I didn't want to part from her yet felt like I had too, I was selfish. I couldn't stand in the arms of a mother so desperate to fill the gap that was once occupied with a son, though she lured me in so easily I couldn't deny how much I wanted someone there.

I glanced down at the ground as a way out and let go of her hands watching them drop limply to the side, I didn't want to get myself attached to another Malfoy when there was a possibility that I may lose them just as abruptly. I slowly backed away dragging my hand through my hair brushing it out of my face still trembling with sorrow, I refused to look back at Draco as a part of me still thought he was here. I stumbled through the corridors, Hogwarts didnt at all feel as it used to, every corner I turned I'd see him, memories hit me harder than I could handle.

Every corridor was back to how it was before, pristine and packed with students all bickering and whispering while on there way to their next class, I stood silently just watching everyone push past me getting an overwhelming feeling of nostalgia. Thats when he caught my eye, the walk I once resented him for, the smug expression that was permanently plastered across his face and the constant flaunting of superiority. It made me realise just how much I picked up on as I watched Draco walk down the hall surrounded by a cluster of Slytherins all eager to suck up to him but for a moment I swear he saw me; I was struck by the same feeling I had every time his eyes locked with mine.

My eyes were glued to him as he walked past me admiring everything I had missed, everything I once hated him for and for a split second everything felt normal. As he finally went out of view something clicked causing me to whip my around expecting to see him turn the corner but as I did all I saw was an empty corridor with bits of rubble and broken pillars scattered amongst the shattered floors. The feeling of butterflies I had in my stomach faded and I was instantly brought back to reality, it was clear that I refused to accept it that much I created an escape route for myself so I wouldn't catch onto the fact it wasn't really him but just my imagination.

It didn't stop, I saw him everywhere I went. Every room in the castle somehow reminded me of a specific moment and I was forced to relive it, though something about it comforted me. Perhaps it was just my way of grieving but how could I be grieving if I haven't even begun to process the grief. I picked up on everything, the way he spoke, the way he stood, the way he handled himself. All the things I didn't take any notice of before but now that he was gone, I couldn't help but feel empty without them.

Thats when I found myself back to him standing directly above the pillar that hide him from me, I tried pushing it off but it was no use, I kicked it, hit it but ended up collapsing next to it. I slid feebly down the stone hitting the cobbled floor that had a layer of dust and rocks surrounding the ground around me, I pulled my knees in towards my chest and buried my head inside of them blocking out the littlest of sounds. I now knew how it felt to be one of the many people that gathered in the great hall all grieving the loss of someone close, someone who died fighting, someone too young to be taken away from them. The only difference was that I sat alone on the floor withering away in my own despair while they stood strong knowing that they died for someone worth fighting for.

Ignoring the sounds around me got more difficult when I heard the familiar cackles from the person who took everything from me, Bellatrixs shrieks rang stridently from one ear to the other making my entire body tense up. I sat there wishing that she would have done what she came here to do, taken me instead but the minute she realised that losing Draco caused me more pain than losing my own life she knew she'd finally succeeded. No matter how much I didn't want to do what she expected of me, it was growing more difficult the longer I went without him.

Though without second thought I stood up and followed her voice as if it lured me into another trap, I wanted her to see that although she may have stripped me from sanity, I still stood before her. I winded my way around the hallways hurrying my pace as her laughs got louder until I reached the main entrance, I came to a sudden halt when I saw everyone gathered on the steps all scattered amongst themselves. Some familiar faces struck me, Luna stood lifeless, as did the Weasleys, everyone looked exhausted all watching in defeat as Voldermort approached them with a look of victory.

Their faces reflected what I was feeling perfectly, everyone seemed just as worn down as I was and finally gave in when they realised there wasn't anything worth fighting for anymore.