The Broken Blonde

Chapter Ninety-Seven

I had no emotion just the urge to leave with him, then all at once I was on the floor shaking with grief that bled from my bones. Emotion swept you away at the times you least expect, one moment you can feel numb and the other is so overwhelming you're unsure you'll ever make it out. I screamed so loud nothing came out, it was like I was put on mute, it hurt to feel, so I didn't. Instead, I laid on top of him silently, refusing to accept the fact he wasn't waking up, this wasn't a dream and there wasn't an escape route, not this time.

I waited, expecting to feel his hand firmly grip my arm pulling me up and assuring me it was going to be okay as long as I was with him, but the reality was that I was no longer with him, I strayed away too far that I've lost him. The ache in my chest pained more than words could describe, though I wasn't fully struck with the emotion yet, afraid that if I was I would no longer have someone for me to throw myself against, no one to comfort me, no one to tell me I'll get over it because frankly I don't ever believe I will.

My head was pressed against his chest, but I wasn't able to seek the comfort I usually would as his heart was no longer able to play its melody being replaced with silence, the silence that was able to trap you for what felt like eternity. Though finally I lifted my head forcing myself to come face to face with the boy I gave everything up for now laying under me with no pulse, grief took a toll on you when most vulnerable and got me just at the right time. I couldn't see myself without him, couldn't imagine what it'd be like alone again, so I denied it.

"I can lose everything, but not you. Oh god, not you." My voice trembled that much I was sure I was the only one able to make out what exactly I said, my hand shaking with desperation fumbled for his clasping it with every last bit of strength I had left. His hand was limp and cold but not the comforting cold I was used to, not the cold that'd make me warm but the cold that indicated his demise. My lip quivered as I squeezed it now holding it between both of my hands wheeping lightly as I rubbed it gently which quickly turned into a pained shake in a desperate attempt to wake him.

My eyes trailed from his hand to his face that pained with sin, my wheeping got heavier and heavier practically begging for his glassy grey eyes to meet with mine one last time but the curtain was drawn, and they weren't ever going to open. The frustration and guilt started to overtake the grief, for a split second almost angry at the fact that hes left me, broke his promise that he'd never leave me questioning why he didn't just leave me to die instead. Perhaps it was because he too wouldn't be able to live with himself if he watched me live out the fate he stole from me, no matter how much I told myself I should be grateful, I couldn't when I knew I could have done the same.

My grip around his hand got tighter the more I resented what he had done, giving everything up for me was one thing but giving up his life for one that doesn't contribute the slightest to anything without him was a step too far. I couldn't sit here knowing if he would have thought about what he was giving up for a second longer he would have realised it was much more than he would have lost. Loving him was nothing more than a losing game, a game than I wanted to never end unless it was for him not because of him, yet there I sat on top of what I could only describe to be the only bit of hope I had left.

I didn't break quietly, it was like every piece of me screamed in unison, traumatized that I should exist without him. From my mouth came a cry so raw I was sure it woke the entire castle, I grabbed hold of his shoulders shaking them violently and from my eyes came a thicker flow of tears than I have ever cried before. They hurt, like painful shards of glass scraping against my cheek every time one falls, but I didn't care I felt like I deserved it, blamed myself for his stupid decision. It should have been me laying there, not Draco.

After getting lost in a wave containing both sorrow and anger, I felt a faint tap on my shoulder that I wouldn't have took any notice of if it weren't for a craving of comfort that was drowning with it. That single touch brought me back to the surface instantly wiping away the bitterness and replacing it with an ache, an ache that I could only describe as longlining, not particularly painful but something that would stick with me. I sat momentarily clutching on to the hope that that touch belonged to Draco, but the hope slowly faded as I looked back at the person I held so tightly.

"I'm so sorry." The only words that escaped my lips, I didn't look up, couldn't bare the thought of looking at a mother who had just lost her son because of a half blood. I was ashamed, after all I promised her I'd look after him, she told me I was good for him, but I ended up being the reason she lost him. What first felt like a single tap gently formed into her hand resting softly on my shoulder, I gave in.

"Its all my fault" My shoulders dropped, and my head fell limp as did my hands, laying lightly on top of his. My eyes were far from dry but the tears that cut their way through them now came to a halt, the realisation of what she lost settled with me, I wasn't the only one who fell victim to evil. I jolted at the sudden movement above me snapping me out of my trance, still dazed I looked up to see the pillar my wand collided with now leaning treacherously onto its side. It moved again, bits of dust and rubble sprinkling down on top of us, the angle it was on now threatening to fall at any moment.

"You made him show a side I've never seen before Y/n and for that I could never blame you" Narcissas voice struck me more than I could have prepared for, her words were the cause of the ache, the longlining that I shared the pain with. Though they pulsated with agony the hint of forgiveness parted that and that was the feeling that stuck with me. The sound of the pillar drawing closer dawned on me, but I couldn't bare parting with him, I was willing to stay here forever if I had too.

"You can't protect everyone my dear." Her soft words made the tears that lingered finally fall but in a way that was different from before, they were soft and certain, I already made up my mind before I knew it. Another crack, the pillar was now hanging from a thread, a thread I wanted so badly to cut so we could meet again and never part.

"I can try" I whispered and rather than moving away I inched closer taking a glimpse at the pillar before holding his hand tight and laying my head one last time on his chest hoping I'd never have to lift it again. I closed my eyes preparing for when I next opened them, I'd see Draco standing in front of me reminding me that he was worth giving up for. Thats when I heard the thread snap and the pillar fall graciously just waiting for it to ease the pain that stung me so badly.

Though just as I had fully accepted the fate I was meant to have I felt a hand clutch onto mine, the hand was soft but tense as it once again stole me from death. The hand pulled me away quicker than I was able to catch on, everything felt delayed all I thought about was that I was being dragged away from the one thing I wanted. My scream cut through the air, it was so loud, everything that had built up inside of me was let out as I watched the one person I loved get crushed wishing I was there with him.

I kicked and squirmed as the pillar collapsed on top of him but Narcissas grip stayed firm, holding me back desperately, not wanting to lose another child. I cried so hard that I was sure by the end of it I'd be nothing but skin and bones, my heart was no longer whole, feeling completely empty. It dawned on me how slow everything was, my mind wasn't able to comprehend what I was feeling making me watch what I was forced to part from giving me no time to fully accept that I had to carry on without him.

"He's just a boy" I whimpered, shaking as I knew I lost not only the one person I loved but the chance of him hearing that I did.