Deep Breath | Daniel Ricciardo

Part Twenty-Eight

Warning: contains content related to self-harm

🎵 All I want – Kodaline 🎵

The walk back to my room was quick. I prayed Daniel wasn't there, I couldn't see him now. In fact I didn't want to see him for a very long time.

The room was quiet. He was still out thank god. I walked to the adjoining door open between our two rooms and slammed mine shut. Locking it and putting a heavy chair in front.

I sat on the floor for what seemed like hours just listening to my heart beat while tears fell down my cheeks. How could he say that, and how was I so foolish to think he had ever had any real interest in me. My body filled with rage. All those moments we had shared were  worthless now, all our memories together tainted. How was I going to face those people at work. All those engineers knowing that all he was after was getting between my legs. They'd watched us grow close; it was no secret I was a close part of his team now. We spent hours together, in fact we spent more time together than apart. He'd said he had feelings for me, that he loved what we had. Jesus, what the hell would they think of me when it came out how close I had gotten to sleeping with him. To me giving him that trust of being the first person I would be with since Mark. 

Did Max know about all those nights we shared a bed, the nights I cried as he held me close protecting me from those nightmares. The kisses we had shared while our bodies touched. Had he congratulated Daniel for getting me so close. For manipulating his way into my heart.

I sat under a hot shower, letting the water burn my delicate skin. Relishing the feeling it gave me. I reached for what was my trusted source of comfort. Pain.

I hadn't felt the desire to inflict that pain on myself in so long. He was almost always with me when I lost control like this. I had promised him sometime ago that I would never hurt myself again until I had at least called him, given him a chance to ground me before inflicting damage on myself. But that was all over now. He wasn't here to keep me safe, and wasn't going to keep me safe anymore. I blew out the flame as I touched the burning metal to my skin, I gasped in pain, winced at my flesh melting under its touch. I had forgot how much it grounded me. I forgot the guilt I felt after, the skin bubbling almost instantly, panicking over how I am going to keep the burns covered and unseen as the red skin puffed around the edges. I chose without thinking, the burn across my inner arm was not going to be easy to cover. 

-

I woke the next morning feeling numb. I had heard Daniel knocking on the door when he came back from his night, we didn't close the doors between our rooms ever, he never closed his and I had always left mine in the latch. We would have cuddled up for the night, we would have shared the bed like we had so many times this season.

I'd been up most of the night working on the schedule for Friday. I'd text Charlotte to say I was unwell and felt I needed a day or two to rest. Hadn't quite gone to plan. She asked if I could pop in to the motor home to run through the day for 10 minutes and to read through the schedule and what work was left to be done on her part.

I'd not slept well; the nightmares had come back and I hated facing them without Daniel. That only infuriated me, I was stronger than this. I couldn't become reliant on a man again. I dressed quickly: an oversized t-shirt, bicycle shorts and some converse. I'd applied a self-adhesive gauze over my burn, it had looked worse this morning than last night, thrown a jacket over my arm to take with me, pulled a cap on and placed a pair of sunglasses over my eyes to cover the red, swollen balls they had become.

I made my way into the motor home at 9am. Hopefully early enough to avoid any prying eyes. The meeting with Charlotte went well, quick and easy. She had said how ill I looked and to take some time, as much as I needed. She was impressed that all the work for the day had been practically finished. She just literally needed to follow the itinerary and be my physical body. She just asked that I printed everything out to give to Daniel and Michael for them to follow.

Great. Daniel followed nothing. I had everything synchronised in my phone to pop up in Daniel's. I quite literally guided his whole day, he would have no clue what his day would be filled with, he just trusted me to get him there. My heart sunk at the thought and my stomach started swirling again. 

Getting the last few pages together, I felt a familiar arm swing round my shoulder. Fuck. Not quick enough. My body tightened at his touch, I quickly manoeuvred myself out from under him and headed to the printer in the office.

It was all there, all the prints ready to give to Daniel so I could go back to the hotel. So, it's all there. Just need to move my legs. Why wasn't I moving it was like my brain had stopped completely. "Lib?" His Aussie accent pulled be back to reality. I grabbed the documents and walked past him out the room heading back to Michael.

"Here's todays itinerary. And some information and pre written statements for the day. I've also got most of tomorrow and Sundays in there with some information that will just need topping up." I say not breaking eye contact with Michael.  "Charlotte will be your body on the ground for any of the major media coverage but you might have to fly solo a bit this weekend. She'll update you on any changes through the weekend" Michael said nothing just stared.

"Hey," Daniel stroked the small of my back with his big Aussie hands. The hands that make me melt, the touch that I crave whenever I'm in his presence. "What's all this for, we'll have you for all this crap"

"No, you won't." I say, taking a step away from him. "I'm taking a couple of days sick, I might see you tomorrow or Sunday. I don't know yet." I turn to Daniel my swollen eyes hidden behind my sunglasses. As I go to leave, he grabs my arm, hard.

"What's going on, what's up." We lock eyes and my tears start to burn my eyes.

"I'm grateful for all the work you had to put in to get me this job. Sorry you didn't get the return you wanted!" I pull my arm away forcefully, the friction between our skin burns. He catches sight of the bandage. I drop my gaze and walk away. Fuck.