Deep Breath | Daniel Ricciardo

Part Forty-Five

🎵 Where's my love – SYML 🎵

That was beyond painful, I sobbed as soon as I ended the call. It was the most honest I'd been with her since I started at red bull. We'd made a promise the day she left me in that new apartment ready to start a whole life without her by my side. 'You have to promise me that if this ever feels like its too much, you feel yourself slipping into that dark place for even a second you walk away. You put your health first and you get on the next flight home. You'll keep in touch at least once a week and continue your selfcare routine'

I'd hugged her and promised. I stuck to the promise of calling her, everything else had sort of slipped as soon as the race season started. But she didn't need to know that. She didn't know what a bad state I was in leaving Mark. But I had made a promise to myself. If I ever felt like live wasn't worth it anymore, I had to stop whatever I was doing and take myself somewhere safe, and things hadn't gone to that point yet. It was bad but not deathly... yet at least.

One thing I did know is that I needed to sort myself out, speaking to mom hand grounded that for me. They were right that I needed to talk to someone, fucking jackass's. I needed to speak to Natalie, she had been my therapist for about 3 years. Before I joined red bull i'd had a session with her every 2 weeks to check in and keep me in balance. This got less and less after leaving home and reduced to practically never talking as the race weekends began. I knew it was the right thing to do but I also knew she could read me like a book. Although we never really talked about Mark's other side I was convinced she knew what he was doing and saying to me. They were all my own thoughts just thrown at me via his mouth.

Lizzy Rees
Hi Natalie, sorry its been a while since I last reached out. I was wondering if we could have a session, perhaps for a couple hours on Monday or as soon as you can. I've had to take some time away from work and something happened to me a couple weeks back I need to talk about. Please don't tell my parents any of this!
Let me know
LR x
Natalie👩🏻‍⚕️
Hi Liz, of course we can catch up. Your text is slightly worrying, are you ok and safe?? Do you want to talk tonight, or I can talk tomorrow. I can fit you in anytime your free. What's going on!

Lizzy Rees
Talking tonight would be great if it's not too much, or too late for you.

Natalie👩🏻‍⚕️
Zoom invite on the way. Speak to you in 10 xx

I spoke with Natalie for a couple of hours. I started out with the small things, the stress at work how I was starting to struggle a little with the workload. Then I got into it, I told her I'd started seeing someone casually at work and we'd had a big fall out over some stupid bet. I then slowly and very uncomfortably told her about everything that happened at the night club. Everything that happened in the following days up to being sent home. I'd avoided Daniels name and made it clear she was the only one I had spoken to and was not telling my parents.

She encouraged me  to take the time and I flew home the next day. I'd cried a lot and by Saturday evening I was back in my Milton Keynes apartment, not eating and not participating in life yet again. I had so many calls and texts from people it was insane. Most stopped after I'd landed as they obviously knew I'd taken the flight home. It was hard being here without  Daniel, the nights were hideous. I was having therapy every other day and starting to process my feelings about Imola. It was also working to make myself realise how much I was missing Daniel and how much I loved him.

I had text him the Sunday of the race and he hadn't replied. I wasn't coping very well with the realisation that I might have blown my chance with him. Natalie reassured me he was probably processing the time himself and things would be clearer soon, also that I needed to worry about me right now not any guy. But he wasn't any guy. I think he was my forever, and I might have lost him.

The days went by fast and before  I knew it, I was packing for my flight to Canada. I'd called and spoken to Lauren, and we'd cleared the air. I had told her a brief explanation of what had happened in Imola, and I knew that it was a lot, but I didn't want to talk about it. I just wanted her to know and for our friendship to just carry on as it was.

I had no contact from Daniel, but I also didn't reached out to him. It was the longest I had gone between talking to him and I was painfully missing him. It had been 18days without a single word from either of us. I didn't know how I was going to make this time up, what our relationship was going to be when I saw him again.

Miss Libby 👼
Just to let you I'm getting a flight to Canada at 6pm. Do you want me to step back into your media or do you want charlotte to continue.

Miss Libby 👼
I've missed you

Danny🏎️
I'll be at the airport when you land x

Well great, that cleared up absolutely fuck all. I'd made my mind up that I needed to keep working on myself and carry on with therapy as I got back into the race weekends. I also needed to give Daniel time to be mad at me and work out how he feels about me again. On the other side of it the last 18 days had actually been a god send, I'd processed more than I realised I needed to and was in a good place again with my health. The bruises and wounds had finally healed enough that I didn't look like a battered woman. It was all working out again.