Deep Breath | Daniel Ricciardo

Part Eighty-Five

🎵 Failing apart – Michael Schulte 🎵

I'd spent the whole of the next week locked away in my apartment. I had stopped eating almost completely, taking in clear fluids was just about manageable. I had stopped participating in life, I wasn't caring for my self. I had hurt myself more in the few days I was home than I had done in months.

I'd not spoken to anyone other than my parents. They thought I was still in Australia so I was contacting them just through WhatsApp here and there due to the perceived time difference. I was on complete radio silence for anyone else.

No one knew where I'd gone, I had hundreds of missed calls. Daniel had been ringing and messaging me nonstop. He wanted to know where I was, he'd tried to contact Lauren to see if I'd reached out to her. I hadn't, which led to a bombardment of messages and calls from her and Jamie. I'd sent her one message to say I was safe but I needed time away from everyone. That I needed to be left alone and I'd be back for when the season restarted. I'd changed my phone number after that and only given it to my parents... saying I'd damaged my old phone in Australia. I'd not turned my old phone back on.

There had been numerous people coming to my door knocking and trying to work out if I was home. I stayed quiet and in my bed, not answering any of their worries.

By the time the summer break was over I was half the person I had been, in every regard. I'd lost a huge amount of weight and muscle tone. None of my clothes fit me anymore, I looked like the mess that was my life.

I'd done an at home pregnancy test I'd picked up at the airport and it said that I was 3 plus weeks. I wondered if he had told anyone, or if he hoped I would deal with it before going back to the races. I hadn't even been to the doctor. I couldn't face having a scan or bloods or anything else. I wasn't ready to accept it after Daniel had reacted that way.

I'd not even had to think about it, I couldn't terminate a pregnancy. I couldn't get rid of something that was a part of me. It was my body and my choice, he didn't have to be involved. I would happily lie and tell people the baby was someone else's. He'd been clear he wasn't interested, so if I had to do it alone, I would.

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I'd spoken to Charlotte as the break was drawing to a close about taking some extra time off. I had actually worked more days that I was contracted to in the first half of the season and had accrued some days that they were originally looking to pay me back but I reached out to see if I could take them as leave.

I wasn't ready to see anyone, let alone Daniel. I told her I was having some health concerns but wanted to keep it private so asked she didn't share that with anyone. It worked out that I could take the first two races off, meeting the team for media day Singapore.

I'd had a call from the doctor in Perth to confirm my pregnancy through the blood results. She was concerned about some of my levels and wanted to see me again. I told her I was at home now and would take it up with my local GP. She advised me to get scanned as soon as possible but I just wasn't ready yet. So I avoided that and stayed locked up in my apartment.

I told no one about my decision to miss the races, I was sure it would cause trouble. My mom and dad would more than likely realise I wasn't ever on camera so I'd have to cover that somehow. I knew Charlotte would manage Daniel while I was off, I just didn't know how he was going to react to that. Lauren would be pissed that I hadn't told her but I just wasn't ready to talk to anyone.

I needed to put myself first this time, I needed time to work out how I was going to do this. How was I going to get through the rest of the season with a man who broke my heart yet again. Said things I will never forgive him for. I needed to build my self back up.