Short Stories :P

{32} I Don't Know | Oct 10, 2022

Italics is thoughts

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TW: Swearing

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Imagine, you're sitting on your simple, grey bed. The rain is harshly hitting the pavement, the whistling wind blowing through the bushes and trees. You stare blankly ahead, wanting to cry, but not feeling the tears; wanting to sob, but feel as if it is caught in your throat.

You feel all kinds of thoughts rush through your head. He'll never love me back. She hates me. She no longer cares about me. They don't want me around. He is making life suck. They all make my life a living hell. Slowly, you feel more and more detached from this world. Slowly, you realise how insignificant you really are.

You lean your head back, feeling as if your existence is useless, all kinds of emotions washed over you. All kinds of emotions, making it so hard to organise that it is just an explosion of feelings, so messy making it confusing and unclear on how you truly feel. Am I angry? Am I sad? Am I left out? Am I unloved?

You finally fall to the side, your head hitting the mattress; not too soft, not too hard. You still stare straight ahead, the simple, white wall being the only thing that's calming your mind at the moment. You feel as if you are fading away; you feel pointless. Who am I really? Who am I to my so-called family? Who am I to my so-called friends? Who am I to my classmates? Who am I to my neighbours? Who am I to myself?

You want answers. You need answers. You need to find any reason to hold onto life; any shred of hope that you could grasp onto so that you wouldn't take away the only value you have left. Why do they hate me? What are these feelings? Who am I to everyone? What are the answers? I need answers. I need answers!

I don't know. I don't know! I don't know! I DON'T KNOW! You don't know. You never knew. You can't figure it out. All you can do is lay there, your eyes still staring straight ahead, letting those thoughts and feelings rush through; though the one emotion that overpower all of the other ones was confusion, and the one phrase that shouts louder than every one of those questions is 'I don't know'.

Because in reality, you know nothing about how important you really are. You know nothing about how you really feel. All you know is that you are lonely. All you know is that no one is there for you. But what you don't know is that there are billions of people out there feeling the exact same way. Confused. Lonely. Unloved.

Imagine, you finally set your head on the pillow. You are wrapped in the warmth of your soft blanket, your eyes droopy; but you still had enough strength to scroll through your phone. You find so many videos, so many posts, of people feeling the same way; people who are confused.

Slowly, you feel less and less lonely, knowing that you aren't alone. It might feel that way, but it isn't true. You are going to get better, you know it. At the moment, all you have was an 'I don't know'. Soon enough, whether if it's a few months or even years, you will have an 'I know'.

Imagine, you got better. You finally feel less confused. You finally feel less lonely. You're still not there yet, but you know you are going to get there. You think wow, look how far we have come. You feel genuinely proud of yourself. You are going to get there.

And now, you are here. You've found new friends, ones that really care about you. You have taken a break from contacting your toxic family. You have just gone on the first date with him. You're not confused anymore. You're not lonely anymore. And you know-- you know you're not alone. You've made it. And you started with just a simple 'I don't know'.

Imagine, she lays in bed, tears staining her cheeks as she stares at her blank wall. She felt confused, lonely, unloved. She doesn't know whether or not to hold on or to let go; hold on or to to let go of the one thing that makes her have value, the one thing that allows her to try new things, pick herself up when she falls, stand tall when she's feeling low-- her life.

She is unsure on whether or not she is going to ever get better. As her sleepy self scrolls through her phone, she comes across your post. You tell her where you started, how you continued, how you made it. You replace the hopelessness she feels with motivation.

I don't know. Everyone says that at some point. But you can't just give up at an 'I don't know'; you have to keep your head held high as you figure out everything that's causing the 'I don't know' until you know.

I don't know you have said. And now, as you lay in bed, a smile on your face, knowing you've battled your demons and found peace within; you finally know your place in this world, your value in people's hearts. You know your importance. You know.

881 words

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This is my first time writing in second-person. It also represents me last year, at my lowest point in life. At that time, I've never felt more alone. I never spoke up about these feelings, but then I wrote this.