Mourning Skies

Fear

when I was younger, I was afraid
Of pretty much everything
I used to run to my bed
After flicking off the switch
I turned my mirrors around at night
Pulled my shades down
And these nasty fears
Live on in me still

I still have a great fear
That still eats at me from the inside out
But the origin
Which I was at a time blinded to
Has been lying in front of my very eyes
I try to piece together the shards of glass
Each holding a memory
In an attempt to put together
The mosaic that is
My ravaged mind

We wouldn't play hide-and-seek with him
Because he would jump out at us

He wore a skeleton mask
And later laughed over
The look on our faces

He chuckled at my temper tantrum
Because of a worm on the sidewalk

Now these may seem
Childish and innocent
But it's funny how much
Simple things
Can escalate into
Full blown fear installment and control

When he slammed my mother
Against the wall
His hands clamped tight around her throat
Telling her
"You're lucky I don't hit you"

When he threw my desk chair
For not saying "goodnight"

When he punched a dent in the car
Of someone who drove too slow

When he told us
He would allow us to die
In the name of his god

When he told my sister
Not to embarrass him

When he burned the iron
Into the back of my brain
That without my hair
I was inadequate
That I was less of a woman

When he nearly drove off the road
In a rage that blinded his vision
And slurred his words

When he told me to not come back

When he engraved in
Our minds at fifteen
That our futures were hopeless
And all we have to look forward to
Is after death

When he repeated over and over
Drove it in like a nail in the coffin
That people did nothing
But stab you in the back

And maybe that's why I have social anxiety
Maybe that's why I lack trust
Maybe that's why I bottled up
Every wish for release
And every attempt

Maybe that's why I see no reason
In continuance
No reason in trying
Maybe that's why I can't get out of bed
Maybe that's why

Fear is strong
His grip is stronger
And the fleeting hope
Is ever weakening
Slipping between my fingers