Mourning Skies

Closet

Gay
She's gay, he's gay, you're gay
Since when did gay become an insult?
Since when did my insecurities begin?

Well I'll tell you
I was twelve when my stepdad
Called me a lesbian

I remember going to my father
And he said "That's the most horrible insult"
He didn't mean this because it was
Demeaning

He said this because
According to him at least
Being gay was the worst possible thing to be

In eighth grade we had to write a poem
For someone in class
And instead of giving my poem
To the prettiest girl in class
I gave it to the boy next to me

I ended up dating him
I let his clammy hands wander my body

I couldn't have been more
Uncomfortable
Disgusted
Mortified

It was wrong!
I don't like boys!
But I should
No, I don't!

So I left him
Put my feelings under lock and key

And then this girl
This beautiful girl
Stole my heart again and every
Single cell in my body was screaming
"YES YES GO FOR HER DO IT"

But the words came back
Gay, dyke, lesbian
All of which the past few years
Had etched themselves into my skin

And then he told me
If I ever spoke a word
If I ever "turned out"
To be gay

I'd be out of that house
At 15.

That's how I made
the four walked closet around me
Closed myself in from the outside world
With only the guidance of strangers
Across the country
Who were better parents than the people
In my own home

But even though the walls
Offered protection
There was no escape
From my own head screaming at me
The words taunting me

Gay gay gay gay gay gay

Maybe I'm sick of it
Sick of hiding from it
Maybe I'll scream it out loud
In the middle of dinner
Maybe I'll act out
I'll stop slicing my wrists
And instead writing love poems
For the girl of my dreams
I will not let them destroy me

Pack my bags
Walk out the door

Of my closet