Mourning Skies

The Years

Fifteen years
I'm sitting in the bathroom at homecoming
Wiping sapphire teardrops off my face
With the sleeves of your sweater
And your smell still lingers
And I can't fall asleep without it
Because you took up more of my air
Than oxygen did

Just a year before
I was kissing my first girlfriend
Fourteen was discovery
And a time of fear
If they noticed the canyons in my hips
Or saw her lipstick on my lips
Oh god what would they think of me

Thirteen I was slicing my wrists to ribbons
Carving the word fat into my hip
Just as deep as it dripped off my own lips
I hated myself

Twelve
I couldn't wait to start middle school
I heard it held freedom
Many new people to meet
But what I didn't know
Was the darkness that lurked
In the dark halls
No windows letting in the sunshine
No wonder half of my friends
Including myself
Contemplated suicide
Tying ropes around their necks
Instead of hand made necklaces

I couldn't believe it was my last year
In the school where I could have recess
In the school I learned how to express
And make music, art,
Create.
I learned how to calculate speed of trains
Instead of the year after
The speed of my heart beat
When I kissed her lips
And the year after
The speed of my body
Plummeting to the ground from the highest
Damn place I could find

Ten
My friend Emma kicked Trey
She's always been a little wacky
But I think maybe I'm a bit more
Because I still see shadows in the halls
Long after first bell
I still see myself shoved against a locker
Drained of what I once called
My dignity

I have the biggest crush on her
Oh my gosh she's so pretty
But she'd never notice me
Wait, isn't it wrong?
Oh who am I kidding
I'm only nine
It'll change
Right?

Eight
Aren't I supposed to be old enough
To swim with dolphins now?

My dad is my hero
He gets angry sometimes
And he doesn't stop talking about mommy
I forget what he called her
But he's called me a copy of her
Only A few years after

Six
Kindergarten is fun
But i'm sad that my friend moved away
I pass all my tests and I study
I can't wait to grow up

My daddy was arrested
For waiting for me on my first day
Of school

I hate my grandparents house
I always feel like I'm being watched
But during the day
I go out and play in my fairy costume
Run rampant through the yard
It's a distraction

Three
I see him raise his hand
He says "you're lucky I don't beat you"

It could always be worse

One

I wonder what my mother thought
When she held me four days
After I was born
Did she think I'd be like this?
Maybe she did know
And maybe she wanted better
But just because her lips
Grazed my forehead
Doesn't mean I'm blessed
Nor was I protected
Not from her
Not from him
Not from anyone