Mourning Skies

Space

At fifteen
I was diagnosed with agoraphobia
The poison cocktail of
One part abandonment
Another part anxiety
And a whirlwind of depression
I couldn't keep my window shades up
No longer could I find a safe space
In the window sill of my bedroom
Because the world outside
So vast and open
Was the catalyst for spikes of fear
Sent into raving fits
Clenching my shirt in my fist
Knuckles white
Eyes bloodshot
Tears dripping unnoticed
Down each color drained cheek
The room I once longed for
With space enough to store everything
Soon became cluttered
To fill the open space
I so feared

But when I came to learn
Silence between my family
And friends and my own sanity
Just made the open space even greater
I had not the capacity
To conceive the space
Into manageable sectors
They couldn't imagine
With all the space I gave myself to breathe
That I was suffocating

That summer
I insisted on leaving my box spring
And mattress on the floor
To eliminate the possibility
Of open space for my feet to dangle
My blackout shades were strapped down
With packaging tape
To keep out any of the space
From reaching me
Waiting at the bus stop became
A daily challenge
The once open hill tops behind my house
That I used to use as a safe place
To open my mind
Just became more open space
More possibility for error
More unknown

And after closing all of the doors
Locking the windows
Putting up the tightest walls I could
Between myself and the outside
I realized
There wasn't enough space
For anyone else
Added to the concoction
Was loneliness
And though I longed for another's touch
The mere thought of the space
Between our hands
Overwhelmed me
With even the slightest suggestion

But it turns out
That as I emptied myself of any openness
I, too
Turned into the emptiness I feared

Now I leave my windows open
To let in the dark night air
To claim me from the emptiness
And maybe just maybe I hope
That the dark can fill the gaps
Of the emptiness I created
Inside of me