Mourning Skies

Apologies

All too soon

I've found myself thrown

into yet another

conundrum.

The twists and turns

have cracked and ruptured

my ribs and my bones,

making it impossible to move

and every breath

feels like a thousand blows

to my heart.

I feel the world close in

as the waves crash over me

and the spots in my eyes

erupt like fireworks

of pastel tears

hiding in my mind

The pain is horrible.

Gut-Wrenching.

Unbearable.

But reassuring.

It makes me feel.

It lets me know that

i am not dead,

that I can still feel the world

around me.

That I am not a ghost

with a beating heart

merely roaming around

but unseen and ignored

as if I was never there.

I know you don't

want to hear this

but it seems to be

my time.

The sickness in my head

has turned to a raging cancer,

swallowing any light

and closing up

every passage

out of the maze inside my brain.

Every turn I take

has kept me wandering

in circles,

driving me mad,

sanity leaking from my

nose and eyes

in tears and sweat and blood

and they all spell out

the horrid words

you spat at me

the day I told you

I couldn't handle this.

Coward.

Cunt.

Undesirable.

Unlovable.

Cold-hearted.

Ever since you stole

that little light in me,

I have been nothing

but capable of remorse.

Every little move

is my fault

and every mistake

feels like a blow to my skull.

So paint the walls

with my thoughts these final days.

Unravel the sickness

and the dormant rage,

sadness,

longing to tell you why

I took this route and

why I'm leaving.

I'm sorry.

I know you expected more

but how much could you expect

from a broken soul

like mine?

How can you expect

a beast

to roar without it's lungs,

how could my heart function

when every single cell

in my body screamed

to stop beating?

Well I'll admit

that I have irrefutably stopped wanting

this life and I tell you

with a heavy heart

weighed down by my unshed tears

that this was my choice

and I beg of you

for forgiveness.

I shouldn't have lied to you

day after day

with my smile

that pleaded for comfort

but I found that I could trick

myself sometimes

so how

could I not trick

you?