Best friends sister (Lexie x reader)

Something to live for

Y/n pov

A worried voice echoes right outside of my ears, i don't know who and i don't know what they're saying. My hands are scratching over my chest, like it's trying to dig a whole for air to flow in through. My sight is blurred, i don't know weather it is by tears or the lack of oxygen. This is so not my day. One, i slept through half the shift. Two, the Mercer people are to many people around me. Three, Reed spilled hot coffee all over me. Four, i was reminded of the worst moment of my life. It's not his fault, he didn't know. He didn't know it'd send me here. Kneeling on the ground, hard pressed against a cold wall. It's not his fault, not his fault. I got myself in that position by being rude to Derek. I made him ask that question.

Someone's cold hands try to touch my cheeks and i flinch, making those cold hands grab my cheeks to hold my head still. The blur of a person in front of me, it's familiar. The blond locks over the sides of her face, the blue eyes that somehow shine through clear. The hospital gown. I'm in Meredith's room. I didn't know what to do, subconsciously, i went to the only place i knew i'd be safe. With her. Her mouth moves but i can't hear anything over the racing heartbeats of mine. Breath, she's telling me to breath. Breath. I still don't hear it but i read her lips. Sitting down next to me, pulling me in with her arm around me. Letting my head rest on her chest, letting her steady heartbeats echo next to mine. Trying to make them into the same speed.

Her hand is brushing through my hair as a sob gets caught in my throat together with a breath. Her chest goes up in three second, waits two seconds, out in three second. Up in three second, waits two seconds, out in three second. And again, again, again. Until i lose track and my own breathing is mirroring hers. My racing heart slowing down to give my body a break. My tight throat letting the air go in and out without a stop. I still feel tears on my cheeks, in my eyes as i blink them away. Meredith doesn't move, she sits still on the floor with me, doesn't speak, just sits there. I don't know how long we've sat there. It could be hours, it could be minutes, it could also be days. But it feels like forever until she speaks and i hear her voice.

"What happened?" it's an unusual question, it's not just moving on. But i guess this isn't under normal circumstances. Her hand is still brushing my hair and her chest still in that repeat.

"25th of April, 2003" the date i mutter under by breath makes her own breath hitch before returning to it's repeat. It's not something neither of us thinks about anymore. We thought that if we didn't speak about it, it wouldn't bother us. Oh how wrong we were. Only worked for about four years. And this is my reaction to it being in my mind for four seconds, i haven't even thought about it since i left Mark in there.

"What were you doing thinking about that? I thought we made a deal" there is a try to humour in her voice and i look up to her, her arm still around my shoulders. It might have been me in that building physically, but in every other way, it was the both of us.

"I was being rude to Derek" she knows i haven't forgiven him for the things he's done, yet. It's no secret. "So Mark asked me why. Why i could forgive him for the terrible thing he did to me, but not what Derek did to you. About what had happened between us to make us like this"

"And the first thing you're mind went back to was that day?" i nod as i lean onto her shoulder instead. "Why? That's not the reason"

"No, but it's the day that i realised that i have a reason to live for" my words scare her, i can tell even though i'm not looking at her. "I know i have more reasons now, but i didn't then. And when... it went down, all i could think about was how you'd be left alone" none of us had any other friends the first years of Med-school, only like in the last year did we socialise with the other students. Of course we partied, we mingled, but never with anyone from our classes. Until the last year.

"You wanna know my moment?" she asks, her voice is low. Just like mine was. Not that anyone would hear us, but we know that what we talk about is what should be talked about home if talked about at all. I nod, not actually knowing. There are so many possibilities. One night after the other, one day, morning or week that could be possibilities. "The first morning after we broke up, and i woke up to a cold bed, alone" it breaks my heart to know that. That she realised it a whole month before me. Because that date, was exactly three weeks after we had broken up. And after it, we swore to never leave each others side, no matter what happens between us.

"I remember that, i was out all night. I don't remember what i was doing, and when i got back to the dorm, you weren't there." every word hurts. She hugs be closer and i realise that she had not only gotten out of bed, but also ripped out the hoses of medication that was helping her sleep and with the small pain that was left. But i don't get the chance to say anything about it, nor does she get to defend her actions by blaming me. It is my fault, so i don't see a need for the conversation. But i wasn't because i had it in my head that i didn't get to say it, it was because my pager was roaring. A quick glance, Code Yellow. Mass casualties accident. Meaning all hands on deck. "I have to go"

"Y/n" she says as i get up but stop with my hand on the doorhandle. "Be careful"

"I will" i smile back at her. I will forever be grateful for her existence. I don't think i would be here without it. "I'll come back later, okay, get back in the bed. Love you"

"Love you too" i hear her calls after me as i don't stay to make sure she lays down again. People are running around, both blue and orange scrubs. And i start to follow the river down to the ER, to find someone who can tell me what the hell that's happening.