Dirty Desire 🔞

22. A Little Boy Crying For His Mommy

We need to talk.. I know that.. I know that I need to listen to him and I will.. I will try my best to understand him.. I know he has many things to say, and explain himself.. Although I lived a long time with him, now I feel I know nothing about him.. But can my intuition be wrong?? Or was I just blinded by love?? But no matter what it is, I have to listen to him.. 

I parted from his embrace, covered my body with the duvet, trying to get on the t-shirt I was wearing before.. Tae also put on his pants.. I stood in front of the huge mirror in our bedroom with my just fucked body.. I always love the way i look after i spend time with him, but now a fear cripping inside me.. I took several deep breaths.. I need to listen to whatever he says.. 

I went and sat on the bed again, tae, came back with a bottle of water from the living.. He drank half of it in one go, and passed the bottle to me, and also took a sip.. 

Tae- are you alright??

Yn- yaa..

Tae- look yn.. I am older than you, so for that reason I always had to act mature in front of you.. Not only in front of you, I acted mature in front of everyone in my life.. Nobody knows how I feel and what I feel and what I think I want.. But you are special.. I want to be myself with you.. I really do.. From the day I saw you, I knew I wanted you, there was something inside you that was calling me.. I didn’t know that I loved you from that moment but later I realised how much you mean to me.. It is also another reason I didn't tell you about myself.. I didn’t want to lose you..

He took a deep breath… and stayed silent for a little while.. He looked at my face, trying to read my expression, to understand what i feel now and if he should go on or not.. 

Yn- go on…

Tae- “i am a fucked up person.. I was always fucked up.. You saved me.. I am living my life, and i even smile one bit bcz of you baby.. When i was young, my mother was regularly tortured by my father.. I saw him hit her everyday in front of my eyes.. She didn’t protested, she just cried and her tears flew from her eyes.. He used to hit her with various objects, and cut her with a sharp knife and other metal stuff.. One day he was hitting her at night, and she was bleeding and i couldn’t take it anymore, so i went to him, trying to stop him.. But i couldn’t.. I was only 4 years old.. The drunk man, threw me in the ground.. But i couldn’t stand and watch my mother getting hurt… i took one piece of the broken bottle lying on the floor, and stabbed him in his leg.. It started bleeding, and the man stopped hitting my mom.. But started hitting me.. I was badly injured that day.. And fainted.. 

When I woke up the next day, my mom was beside me, sitting in the bed.. My whole body was hurting.. She told me that they are going to send me to boarding school.. As I should study hard.. Later I learnt that she thought I would become like my dad after seeing me hurting him last night.. So they sent me… next when I came back home my mom wasn’t at home.. She was nowhere.. I didn’t have any contact with her while I was away.. My father told me she ran away, leaving us.. I couldn’t believe it.. How can she leave me behind?? I cried a lot that time, but later I thought maybe she did it right as she shouldn’t stay in that hell.. My thoughts were not going to last  forever, when I saw my father with another woman, a girlfriend of his, bringing her home.. When they saw me.. She asked him why he didn’t get rid of me like my mother.. I cannot hear the reply.. Bcz it was made clear that he killed my mom.. He killed her.. And I couldn't do anything.. I was useless and helpless standing there, scared..”

He looked down.. Pained face.. I suddenly felt my cheeks were wet.. Tears flowing down my eyes.. My tae.. He was subject to those harsh things at that young age?? I can see a cute small child, standing and crying his eyes out.. How scared he would be.. How helpless he would be…

I reached for his hand.. And held it for sometime.. His skin is warm against mine.. I couldn't say anything.. I just stayed silent.. He looked up at me.. And gave a little smile.. My heart ached, how much hurt he might be that he is giving me a smile.. Ohh my poor tae.. I just want to hug him and soothe him… 

Tae- "boarding school wasn’t very easy for me yniiee.. After mother was gone i got so scared and traumatised that i couldn’t do any normal activities.. I couldn’t speak properly, or eat, or sleep or study.. In the beginning it was all good and i stopped going back home, i stayed in the school even when it was holidays.. My father didn’t noticed, so i was alright.. But when i grew up a little, boys weren’t very kind to me.. I got tortured severely.. Alcohol, drugs, medicines, insects, injections, beating, they did everything to me.. I stayed silent.. I endured everything… one day, they used snake bite on me… it was a snake less poisonous, which doesn’t kill a person, they tied me and let that snake bite me.. I went unconscious.. They untied me and left me in the old rejected toilet which was there torture room.. I was unconscious there for 3 days.. Nobody noticed bcs it was summer vacation.. My maths teacher found out.. I was bad in maths, and he was in the campus bcz he had no family, so he gave me maths lesson everyday in the holidays.. He noticed i was missing.. After searching a lot they found me there.. I was treated in the hospital for several days.. When I got conscious he told me one thing, which changed my life, “life is suffering, but you have to find something worth suffering for.. But if you want to find that thing you have to keep going, and fighting back..” i did that.. I took my revenge from those boys.. I completed my school and went to college by myself.. I never went back to that drunkard’s house again.. I built all these by myself.. To fight.. To fight back everything that happened to me.. Until i found you.. You are that person, who is worth everything yniiee.. All the suffering, all the struggle is worth it if you are with me.."

Tae looked up at me again.. His eyes glistened with tears.. I can feel the honesty in his voice.. I can feel him pouring out everything that he has to me.. I cannot control my tears… I sat there straight looking at him, at my tae, a cute little boy, with puffy cheeks, crying for his mommy…