Dirty Desire 🔞

42. I Am Sorry

I showered.. And I cried.. I was already feeling sick in college, and then all this happened between us.. This is not what I expected to hear from him.. But I know I love him, and I know him too well from all these years.. And I know he means well.. They say people have to love actively, like it is an action and not a feeling.. This has been my mantra for all these years.. I tried my best to make myself understand that he loves me, and I have fought with myself to make myself believe that he means well.. 

This time my reason was- he wants me to be safe, and he is scared of other people harming me.. I know that killing others is not something someone should do, but he has his past, and I know in the future he will change, and I will change him.. I know that he has a good heart and he will change.. 

This is always my reason.. That is he loves me, and I know he does.. So I wiped my tears, and looked myself in the mirror eye to eye.. I came out of the washroom, and the first thing I saw was that he was not in the bedroom.. 

I came out of the room, and tried to find him in the living room.. And he is not there.. Anna was working with some lists in the kitchen.. Other staff were also there, I know they all heard us shouting at each other… but I went to Anna as I only can think of talking to her..

Yn- where is he??

Anna- he went out.. 

Yn- where?? 

Anna- ma'am he came out, and just went out.. 

Yn- did he take the car?? Or told anyone… 

I feel concerned for him.. It is never good to leave the house being angry.. My uncle told me, whenever we feel angry we should not leave the house hastily.. Rather we should sit and calm ourselves down as much as possible and then even think of leaving.. 

Anna- let me ask the staff outside… 

I nodded and sat on the stool beside the kitchen counter.. I was thirsty, so I drank some water.. And I waited… soon anna came back hurriedly.. 

Anna- maam, sir went to the horse shed and went for a ride… 

Yn- horse ride??

Anna- yaa.. 

I know Tae loves horses and horse riding.. But I didn't expect him to have a horse riding session after our heated argument.. He told me many times how much he loves horse riding, and he would teach me horse riding.. I started making my way towards our bedroom.. 

Anna- maam, would you like to eat something?? 

Yn- did he eat anything??

Anna- no maam.. 

Yn- then i will eat with him.. When he comes back.. 

She nodded and I went back to our room.. I went directly to the balcony attached to our room, and there was a swing there.. I sat on it, it started swinging slowly, and the cool breeze touched my face and body.. I feel lighter after throwing up and crying.. And I miss him.. I am waiting for him.. I want him to come back.. And I was lost in thoughts of us, together, and everything, but I am also tense about his profession.. 

At this time I looked up hearing some noise.. When in the far distance, it was him, on the horseback.. The horse was running, and his face was calm, and hair flowing backwards with the wind…he is looking like a prince, my prince…and I want him back..  I know he is thinking, maybe of me, maybe of us, maybe of something else.. But all I want is to hug him.. 

He was coming back towards home.. And he looked up at the balcony and he saw me.. His eyes locked with mine.. I try to find feelings in his face, but this is tae, most of the time his face says nothing.. And he stopped in front of the shed and tied the horse in the shed.. He walked towards the house, and he looked up again for a few moments.. But again I looked down.. And he entered the house.. 

I am sitting here waiting for him to come, to enter the room, to come and talk to me.. But a little time passed.. And I heard his voice.. He is talking to someone.. And he entered the room, without looking at me, he entered the washroom while talking on the phone.. I looked at his moving figure, desperately wanting something from him, but no response.. And I sat again in the swing… and I took out my phone.. I saw Lisa's msg.. She sent me all the assignments I have to complete for college.. And all the programs that I have to apply for.. And I started going through them.. 

After some time, tae came out of the shower, and i didn’t look back.. I don’t know why.. And I heard the wardrobe opening, and closing.. But no extra sound.. I knew he would wear his clothes, but I was hoping that he would come and talk to me, but after waiting several minutes, I turned to look back, and he was not there.. The room was empty.. 

He didn’t come to talk.. I know I shouldn't have spoken to him like that.. He is older than me, and I always speak to him nicely and with respect, but does that mean he will not forgive me?? How can he even forgive me when I haven't asked for forgiveness.. I stood straight, and looked at myself in the mirror, and put on some moisturiser and brushed my messy hair.. When I am satisfied with how I am looking, I step out of the bedroom.. 

This house is still new to me.. And I am not familiar with the space.. But I gave a quick glare at the living, and he isn’t there.. So I started moving around, and looking in the other rooms for him.. I stopped in front of a room, to the top left corner of the 2nd floor when I heard his voice… I couldn't gather my courage to get inside the room.. So I stand there outside the room.. Listening to him talking.. 

Tae- ya.. That project, I asked Mr Lee to handle.. We had a brief chat today reviewing the progress, and I am satisfied with the work he is doing.. If this continues, we can expand our business to Japan also.. Yes.. thanks.. Will talk to you later.. 

He stopped talking.. And I know he had cut the call.. But I still cannot get inside as I don't know what to say.. I heard his voice again..

Tae- would you stand there the whole day?? Or come inside?? 

I stood straight.. Whom is he talking to?? The door is partially closed, and I can't see anything inside and I am sure he also can’t.. 

Tae- yn.. I am talking to you.. Come inside.. 

Yes.. he is talking to me.. Some of his weird habits.. I should not forget.. And I get in slowly, opening the door.. I saw a table in the middle of the room, with a laptop on it, and his phone placed there.. Several chairs around it.. And tae seated in the main chair.. And I stopped in front of the table, opposite to him.. He is in his pjs, looking at me.. 

I know he wants to hear something from me.. And he is looking for that in my face.. But I don't know what to say, and I am even nervous under his terrifying gaze.. 

Yn- did you eat?? 

Tae smirked- no.. you?? 

Yn- i had coffee.. 

Tae- lunch?? 

I nodded my head from side to side saying no.. tae stood straight from the chair.. And came towards me, but he passed from beside me.. 

Tae- lets go.. Eat something.. 

And it broke me.. I cannot take this.. With fast steps, I back hugged him .. He stopped by my sudden action.. I breathed in his shirt, the subtle scent of fabric softener hit my nose.. 

Yn- i am sorry tae..