Tequila & Birdcages

At my worst |x.t|

CW: talk of abuse and ptsd (trauma responses)

Xandra has been on edge the past few days and I'm not sure why. I've been walking on egg shells around her so she doesn't blow. It's not like she gets aggressive, she would leave before she ever even raises her voice. However, she's a fan of the silent treatment and it scares the hell out of me.

I hear the door open and she doesn't say anything as she takes off her shoes. As I see her heading for the stairs, I stand up to say something. "Well, hi. How was your day?" I ask, "fine" she mumbles. She continues on her way and something just erupts in me. I follow her until we get to our bedroom and I cross my arms.

"Xandra, what is going on? I'm so confused" I sigh, "nothing" she mutters. She walks over to the closet for clothes to change into and I groan. "You can't even speak more than one word responses" I point out, "drop it, y/n. Leave me alone" she demands softly.

With my nerves up high, I quickly approach her and her head snaps to me. Her eyes widen and I see her flinch, quickly taking a step back. I immediately halt and furrow my eyebrows at her. "What?" she asks defensively, "Xandra I-" I take a cautious step forward but I'm too late or too quick; I'm not sure which.

She slams the closet door and I hear the lock click, just as I'm about to turn it. "Baby... open the door, please" I request and get no response, "honey? Just come on out" I try again. I lean against the wall next to the door and sigh. "I love you" I whisper, in a desperate attempt to draw her out.

"Xandra, please. I'm sorry... I just wanna talk, I promise" I utter, trying to convince her to at least speak to me. I hear a sniffle behind the door and it brings tears to my eyes. "How about we make a deal, hm? You can stay in the closet, but I need you to talk to me" I plead, waiting patiently for her answer.

"Ok" she whispers and I smile, sighing in relief. I lean my ear against the door so I can hear her better before speaking. "Can you try to tell me what's been making you feel so down? I just noticed you aren't really communicating as much" I inquire, choosing my words carefully so it doesn't seem like I'm accusing her of anything.

It takes her a while to respond and I just wait. "I don't feel good" she mumbles, "you don't feel good in what way, my love?" I ask. "Everything" she mutters, "ok... can you pick a few things? Maybe I can help with something" I offer and hear her sigh. "No" she answers clearly, "why not, baby?" I question.

"Remember, you're safe with me. You can tell me anything" I state, "I don't wanna talk about it" she answers. "Alright... then can we talk about what happened just now? I feel like you closed up" I ask, still being cautious. "I didn't" she states coldly and I realize I'm just gonna have to rip the bandaid off.

"Babe, you're literally locked in the closet" I point out, "fuck you" she scoffs. "Well if you come out here, I'd be happy to let you" I joke, "it's not funny, y/n" she scolds. "I know it's not, but I don't know what to do, ok? I'm worried... scared" I admit and get nothing back.

"Just go" she mumbles after some time has passed, "go where? I'm not going anywhere without you" I state. It's silent between us for a few minutes and I decide to just bite the bullet. "You're hiding. Why?" I ask, "I'm not hiding" she says raising her voice a little. "Again, the closet. Plus, you never raise your voice" I point out.

"Y/n... stop" she whispers, "you flinched" I state softly. "Stop" she repeats, "it's like you froze..." I think out loud, "please..." she whispers shakily. "Baby did you—did you think I was going to hurt you?" I ask sadly, hoping it's not and yet knowing it's the case. Her lack of response tells me everything I need to know.

"Honey, I would never hurt you. I was just frustrated and I saw you getting upset. I know you always speak quieter when that happens and I wanted to be able to hear you" I explain and just get another sniffle in reply. "I wanna hold you... if you'll let me" I whisper and hear a sob come from behind the door.

"It's ok, baby... I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere, I promise. Whenever you're ready to come out I-" the door flings open and she falls into my arms. I carefully wrap my arms around her as she clings to my body. I pick up her up by her thighs and lead us over to the bed, laying down on top of the covers.

My hands rub her back soothingly as I listen to her calm down. Her head rests on my chest as her breathing settles and her grip loosens. I give her a moment to collect her thoughts, not wanting to pressure her. I hear her take a deep breath and I stroke her hair as she lets out a shuddered breath.

"It's ok, love. Take your time" I utter softly, "L-Larry, my ex, he umm—whenever I was bad—he would hit me. So when I t-talked to you like that... I got scared. I'm sorry..." she mumbles. "You have nothing to be sorry for, darling. I'm sorry that happened... I didn't know" I apologize.

"No I-I should apologize. You don't deserve that and y-you didn't even yell at me... please just-just do something" she begs, I fight back tears as she literally begs me to hurt her. "You don't deserve some sort of 'punishment' for that. All I want is an explanation for what caused it. I am not going to hurt you" I stress.

"Why? You should..." she mumbles, I pull away and take her face in her hands. I make sure she's looking into my eyes before I start. "I am not doing that. You don't deserve to be hurt. I know it may seem like it's 'normal' but it's not, babe. You won't ever have to experience anything like that with me" I state and she pouts.

"D-do you hate me that much?" she cries, "what?" I ask confused. "Y-you don't... I-" she gets choked up and I pull her into my chest as she cries again. "I don't understand, y/n. I-if you l-love me then—why don't you care?" she asks through sobs. I feel tears fall down my cheek as I realize just what she means.

"Darling... I do love you, so so much. That's why I never want to hurt you. Love isn't pain, baby. I understand that they—they might've said that they only freaked out so much because they 'cared'. That it would hurt them more than it would hurt you. But sweetheart... I would rather die than see you hurt" I whisper.

"I know it'll take some time, and I'll be with you through it all. You are the most important person in my life. I love you more than I love myself and I know how you feel. More than I can explain. But that doesn't mean it's right, ok? They were wrong to do that—to hurt you" I explain and she just sniffles.

"I love you too" she whispers, "I'm sorry. Y-you probably think I need to be committed or something" she adds shakily. "I don't think that. What I do think is that we need to discuss these things more. I know it's hard to talk about, and you like to deal with things on your own, but I'm here. You don't have to be strong all the time... you're not alone" I offer.

"I-I know..." she whimpers, "good. How about we cuddle and watch a film? How does that sound?" I suggest, "I'd like that" she mutters in response. I put on the live action Cinderella and settle us into a more comfy position. "I love you, baby" I whisper as I kiss the top of her head, "I love you too" she replies while snuggling closer.