Tequila & Birdcages

Wish you were here |d.s|

CW: depression, anxiety, slight mention of death (just general bleh feelings)

I'd just come home from a day of running errands, just back and forth for absolutely no reason. Mind you, these weren't even things I needed done—they were for everyone else. After wanting nothing more than to lay down for the past 3 hours, I'm finally close to my bed. I have to admit I'm thankful for being busy though, as it's distracted me greatly. Today is an anniversary, one I actually would like to forget.

"Hey, remember you said you would help with my taxes" my grandma mentions, "Yes, last night I tried to help but you left..." I remind her but she dismisses it. So I set my things down, ready to help her, and instead she was too into her show to even start; and so we sat there for awhile. Finally, once she was ready, we sent the photos to my email because hers wasn't working and then waited for the computer to start up. She logs in and I set everything up right for her to send it off.

I needed to get tired again after boosting my energy to help her; so we return to her room and continue watching the show. Once I'm ready for bed, I give her a hug and start to turn away. "So, you quit your job?" she asks but it sounds more like an accusation, it's true but her tone was just judgmental. "Huh?" I say, having heard her correctly the first time but needing a few seconds to come up with a response.

"Yes..." I reply truthfully with a grimace after she's repeated herself. "I don't understand, why would you do that? You really got this job just for that trip?" she fires and I nod, not really knowing what to say; overwhelmed that she chose now of all times to bring this up. The 'trip' she's referencing—with a tone that shows she clearly doesn't approve—is not just any trip.

It's something I've been thinking about for months. This trip is to see one of my favorite actresses and human in general. She's done more for me emotionally than my family ever has; she's saved me more times than I can count. This 'little trip' is the only thing I've been looking forward to for months; the one thing that's made me happy.

"Wow. And here I thought this was going to be the last month I had to pay for your phone bill. That's a lot, you know? Almost $80 that I could be spending on other bills, or on myself. I thought you could at least pay that—even help me with bills. Why would you do that without another job?" she lectures and I stand there and listen just staring at her blankly.

"Well I can Uber until I find another job, it's not like I haven't been looking" I reply, "what?" she counters. "Uber. Not like driving people around but Uber eats—like DoorDash" I explain and she hums, clearly not satisfied with my answer. "Why did you quit?" she asks, but then my grandpa calls for her and walks in which makes us stop. She shoos him away and then turns to me again.

"You're old enough now you should be more responsible" she grumbles, and I stand there in silence while she stares at me until she eventually turns back to the TV and I find a good time to exit. I go to my room and I lay there for a while, I know she's right but she never even let me explain. The environment was toxic for me and honestly it doesn't even matter that I didn't get the chance to tell her, she wouldn't have understood.

I grab my purse and keys, slipping out the house and getting into my car. I text her when I'm backing out that I'm going to a friends. I go to the lake nearby and park there, trying to figure out who to call before I actually lose my mind. I scroll through the chats on iMessage but I see no one that could actually help so I sigh and take a breath as I think further.

"Well, I could... no. She'll hate me—it's so late" I think aloud but I go against my best judgment and hit her contact anyway. My finger trembles as I hold it over the call button and I do it quickly before I can change my mind. It rings once... twice... "hello?" her beautiful voice says and I tear up at the very sound. She seems happy I called, I wonder how long that'll last.