Tequila & Birdcages

Rambling |l.w|

Spoilers for the movie Blue Jasmine if you haven't watched it already (if you haven't... what are you doing with your lifeeee? 😭)

I've just watched this really good movie called Blue Jasmine and it really sparked my interest. I was shocked by most of the things that happened to Jasmine and all that she struggled with. I found it odd how her family and friends turned their back on her when she was so clearly spiraling. Due to my hyper-focus on it, I really needed to get my feelings and ideas out. I find my girlfriend, Lana, perched on the bed and I hop on.

She chuckles and shakes her head, smiling lovingly at me as she makes a 'come hither' motion with her finger. I crawl a bit closer, knowing what she wants, and gently kiss her on the lips. Her smile widens and I giggle softly before remembering what I came here for. She has the ability to just clear all my thoughts sometimes and I love it. "Soooo I just watched this really interesting movie" I say excitedly, "oh?" she prompts and I take an exaggerated deep breath which amuses her.

"Basically there was this woman and I'm not sure exactly what disorder or I guess mental illness she has or whatever but definitely some identity crisis going on. She loses everything and it's a really big deal for her. She starts spiraling like... really bad and everyone kind of brushes her off or just considers it her being bitchy" I start off, "so basically ignoring her?" Lana questions and I nod firmly.

"Ignoring allll the red flags" I continue to ramble about it and how I think they should've reacted, as well as my thoughts on how certain things relate to each other, and mainly describing why I believe she behaved that way. I have a tendency not to look at people when I'm talking to them or to just periodically glance and when I do, I notice she's picked up her laptop and is going at it.

Now, Lana has a pretty good schedule when we're home. She likes to eat at a certain time and read part of a book or write before bed every night; but she's not too strict or rigid about it. When I see that she's still typing, my voice slowly trails off until I go silent. I stare at her, noticing the way her eyebrows furrow showing that she's focused and consumed in whatever is on the page in front of her. Her taps being silent, due to the cover on her keyboard, but I can tell she's hitting the keys hard.

I bite my lip to prevent a frown from forming on my face. I'm reminded of the bird theory about if your partner takes interest in the things you do, even if they're mundane. Usually Lana is relatively attentive and engages with things I say but literature is the one thing that can take over everything. Don't get me wrong, I love how passionate she is about writing; the only time it bothers me is instances like this.

She'll get so sucked into books or writing that she won't notice anything going on around her, like she blocks everything out. I'm also very understanding of coping mechanisms and that everyone has their own way of dealing with things. However, I don't see any reason she would need to be doing this right now. Especially because we've basically been doing nothing all day. Which leads me to question whether I'm overstimulating her.

I do talk quite a lot sometimes and I know that when she's stressed or upset, she cracks down on her schedule for a sense of control. "Sweetie?" I look back at her with a blank face, "why'd you stop?" she asks. I look to the clock and it's been at least been five minutes since I went silent. "I was done. I'm gonna let you get back to it" I say politely with a smile before leaving her be. I close the door softly and just stand outside it for a moment.

I'm not too sure what to do with myself now. I don't want to risk making too much noise by playing the tv or making food, which are my main coping mechanisms. I settle for heading to the office which only Lana really uses. I close the door silently behind me and grab my laptop that sits on the little table. I take place on the couch that faces the desk and sit in a cross-legged position.