Look at me | SAM x DEENA | FEAR STREET 1994 |

Chapter 53

Deena looked at her in the eyes. Both of them were about to cry, and their faces were red. Deena wanted to talk, to say something so badly. She wanted to say what both Deena and Sam wanted her to say, but she couldn't bring herself to say it. Because Sam was right. It would make it real. Deena would be admitting her emotional vulnerability and attachment to Sam. Sam had hurt her so much before in the past, imagine how she would feel if Deena had to acknowledge her existence and her love for her.

Deena couldn't bring herself to say anything. She knew Sam was hanging on to her every word, and they just stayed there in a silence, each of them catching their breath. The tears falling from Sam's eyes only fell faster with the more silence there was between them. Deena wasn't saying anything yet. She looked like she wanted to say something, but she wasn't. She hadn't said a word. Sam felt her chest tighten, and her stomach churn.

"Really? You don't love me? At all, Deena?" she asked quietly through her sobs.

Deena was crying now as well. She didn't know what to do, or what to say. She didn't think she ever would. She didn't want to get hurt again. She remembered how depressed she was, and emotionally exhausted she was during the period where Sam had accused her of assaulting Fiona. She really wouldn't have cared if she died at that moment. She never wanted to feel that low again, even if it meant hurting Sam in the process of protecting herself.

"Wow." Sam scoffed, wiping away her tears.

"Sam.."  Deena whispered, but Sam ignored her plead.

"Fuck you, Deena." she said angrily through her tears. She picked up her back, and without looking back she left, slamming the door shut. Deena just sat their on the table and let her head fall into her hands as she sobbed.

She couldn't stop crying. She didn't know what time it was, what period she had or where she was supposed to be. She picked up her bag when she heard the bell ring, and she just ran to the bathrooms, holding her head down. She slammed open a cubicle, and sat on top of a toilet and just sobbed uncontrollably. She wanted nothing more than to be in her bed right now with Kate and Simon. She needed them, but she hadn't been able to tell them anything. They would just be disappointed in her. Deena hadn't felt so alone in a while.

Sam was a mess after her conversation with Deena. She wiped away her tears as fast as she could, and applied concealer to her eyes to hide the puffiness and red colour from crying. When she was happy with how she looked, she entered her next period, which was History. This was where she first met Deena. She looked over at the empty table, the one which they met. Where Deena first spoke to her. It was the beginning of everything right that Sam needed in her life, and just like that it was taken from her.

She didn't know if Deena actually didn't love her. She sat there at her desk, pretending to take notes as she ran through the whole moment in her mind. Deena looked like she was wanting to say something. She looked like she was dying - that there was something inside her clawing to get out. Maybe Sam was just making this all up out of hope and naivety. Had she been so ignorant to think that Deena could actually love her after everything Sam had done to her? The answer was maybe. Sam hated that fucking word right now. Maybe she was naïve. Maybe Deena loved her back. Maybe Deena didn't love her back. Maybe Deena didn't like Sam at all. Fucking maybes. Why couldn't anything ever be certain?

Sam continued drawing doodles in her book to try and assist her thinking. Deena said it first technically. She wrote it down. After a series of fuck you's and I hate you's, she said. Dear Sam, I loved you. I have always loved you. I will always love you. You don't just write that and not mean it. Sam smiled at the thought that Deena had loved her, and would always love her. In an alternate universe Deena would believe Sam loved her instantly, and told her it back. They'd be together, and be able to express their love in public without comments or fear of persecution. They'd be happy and in love together. No more secrets, no more revenge. Just loving each other. Sam didn't notice she was crying until one of her tears dropped onto her paper, making the ink bleed out. She took a napkin out of her pocket and dabbed her eye dry.