Look at me | SAM x DEENA | FEAR STREET 1994 |

Chapter 72

Deena woke up whenever the pain meds wore off because the sharp feeling or stabbing pains from her back woke her up instantly. This is how she woke up on Thursday. It was just past midday and the house was extremely quiet. Josh had left for school and Kate and Simon were attending school as well. She knew they'd be over after it finished so she only had a few hours to herself.

She got up and made herself breakfast, or lunch considering the time. As she ate she was thinking about everything that's happened since she met Sam. She didn't know that one person could have such a drastic change on her life. Since she met Sam she's become a nicer person, as much as she hates to admit it. She's become nicer and warmer because Sam brought out the warmth in her. That was her speciality and she did it in many ways. Through her eyes. Oh how Deena missed her eyes, how they whispered stories and secrets to her. She missed the way her eyes would crinkle whenever she smiled. How her beautiful blonde hair would fall down the side of her face and meet with the nape of her neck. She missed the way she would bite her lip or smirk before kissing Deena seductively...

Deena was so consumed by the thought of Sam she didn't even realise she was crying until a tear dropped into her bowl of cereal. When she realised she wiped it away instantly and cursed herself for fantasising about Sam again. Sam. Deena suddenly remembered something. She jumped from the table and ran to the closet in her room. She rummaged through the draws until she found the leather bound journal Sam left her. It was all her journal entries about Deena since the day they met. Deena decided to feed into her temptation and read one of the entries. She flipped to a random page that was a little crinkled from tears. Deena could tell as the ink was a little blotchy and the paper was rigid. The entry read:

To the warmest soul I've met,

I was thinking about the day I first saw you. In History when I sat next to you. I didn't have to sit next to you. I came to school and part of me was thinking I was top-shit, but the other part was terrified that no one would like me. Before I left I got in a massive fight with my mom, again. It was over something stupid like how I didn't put the dishes in the washer correctly for "optimal cleanliness". What the fuck does that even mean? Anyways she was hurling the usual names at me like "bitch" "deviant" but the one that stuck with me was "worthless".

All my childhood there was one thing both my parents stressed, even when they were together. It was that the value or worth of someone was so critical to their character. If someone wasn't worthy, or had no value, they should have no place in society; they were scum. I always hated the way they thought, it was such an elitist way of thinking. Who has the right to say if someone has value or not? I can guarantee you one of the local drunk construction guys at the pub's pinkie toe would have more value than my mother in her entirety.

So when she called me worthless it stuck with me because if she was someone who determined other's worth and she thought I was it meant I wasn't deserving of anyone's love or even their acknowledgement - I was scum. So when I moved to Shadyside High it was an opportunity for me to set my own narrative that I wasn't scum. When I walked into that History class I saw a few things. I saw a teacher that looked like he couldn't care any less about his job, a few teacher's pets at the front and the brunette curls of a girl who was sitting alone. I could have taken any seat, and I wanted to, but something deep inside me urged me to sit next to you. I wasn't controlling my feet, I didn't know what was happening. It felt like every cell in my body was screaming for me to sit next to you, and so I did.

So I did and I would never change that I did. Sitting in that seat was the best thing that ever happened to me, because it allowed me to know you. Not to know of the pretty brunette girl with gorgeous curls sitting next to me, but to really see you, know you for who you are and still choose to love you, because you were, are and forever will be the only one for me. You undid everything my mother told me I was. I strongly believed I was worthless, but with every look you gave to me, and every time I looked into your eyes you made me feel, even without saying a word, that I was worthy of your love.

I now know I don't have to be worthy of everyone's love and admiration to feel validated and at peace with myself; it's only yours that matters because you matter to me so much. I hold you so dear to my heart I'm so scared that if you ever left me, when you leave you'd be taking that part of me that learned how to love. You opened me up with out even saying a word. You taught me mercy after all the times you forgave me for all the horrid things I did to you. Horrid indeed, but you still somehow saw the beauty in me, you were able to look underneath the façade I emitted, you really knew me. You saw me. You loved me. I know now what was telling me to sit next to you. It wasn't any of my cells, or some voice inside my head. It was my heart. The warmth and love you helped nurture did exist previously, and it recognised you immediately. It encouraged me to invite you into my heart, and you nurtured and helped it grow. You warmed me. You helped me blossom. I'm your flower, all my petals that fall are for you to pick up and press. I love you so much.

Sam

Deena's jaw was dropped and tears were pouring out of her eyes as she finished the entry. This was one of hundreds in the book. She kept reading and rereading it. Some part of her wished she hadn't, but mainly she was grateful. She felt her heart ache and swell at the same time the more she read. She loved Sam so much, she really did. Deena felt like it was a privilege to see this side of Sam, she was being so vulnerable and opening her mind for Deena to look into.

As Deena was about to flip to the next page she heard the front door open and Kate and Simon's voices fill the house.

"We're here early!" she heard Simon yell.

Deena quickly shoved the journal under her mattress and wiped the tears away as she stood up and greeted them. Josh was with them too and he was standing awkwardly next to Kate.

"Why are you here so early?" Deena asked with a slight sniffle.

"I was in Math and I thought; don't know what x is, don't care what x is. So I left and dragged Kate out of class" Simon said proudly.

"I'm still mad at you for that. It was a serious lesson, how will I catch up on my trig homework now?" Kate groaned, rolling her eyes.

"Oh Josh can help you. He's like a mega nerd, he takes the advanced course for his year which covers the work you do and more, Kate" Deena said, fighting back a smirk that was forming on her face as she watched the two of them blush. Josh gave her an evil look before turning to Kate and going completely red.

"O-oh yeah. Yeah, I know trig. I can help you" he stammered.

Kate smiled at him as she her cheeks flushed a deep red. Deena rolled her eyes at the two of them being awkward.

"Can you guys help me change my bandages? Leave Lord Nerd to talk to his loyal nerdlings on his computer" Deena chuckled, breaking up the awkward tension.

Josh sighed and said something under his breath as he went back to his own room. Kate and Simon followed Deena into hers. Deena had to stand by her bed while Kate sat so she could dab the anti-septic onto the wounds. As Simon peeled back to bandages, Deena winced.

"They're looking so much better already, Dee" Kate told her as she observed her back. She got a cotton ball and put some anti-septic on it as she dabbed Deena's wounds.

"OW!" Deena yelped as Kate put too much pressure on one of them.

"Sorry!" she exclaimed as she applied it softer.

After they finished changing her bandages they spent the rest of the afternoon together gossiping about prom and how their first day back at school was after their days off. Deena was happy to sit there and let her talk, she didn't feel like speaking much anyways. At some points she tuned them out and her mind drifted off to Sam's journal entry. It was so touching. It was a surprise to see Sam so in touch with her feelings for Deena. Maybe Deena had made a mistake thinking Sam was ashamed of her sexuality? That couldn't be! Otherwise she wouldn't have to be sleeping on her side just to not feel the pain.

Kate and Simon left briefly after the sun was beginning to set. Deena and Josh ate a pizza together and Deena thought about the journal entry one last time before she was scheduled to take her pain meds. She couldn't stop thinking about the impact she's had on Sam. That was written a few days after they admitted they were in love with each other. Deena's stomach fluttered the more she thought about the entry. She cursed herself again and took the pain meds early so she could sleep her obsession with Sam off, and so she did.