Look at me | SAM x DEENA | FEAR STREET 1994 |

Chapter 71

That weekend was the most chaotic time of Sam's life. One thing she was grateful for was the fact she no longer had to deal with her mother. It was like a one weight had been lifted off her but then replace by one five times as heavy. Dealing with the loss of Deena was hard for her and instead of bottling her feelings up or ignoring them she decided to find different methods to express herself.

She went through various kinds of art forms and photography but none of them really suited her. A thought then struck her when she was half way through a horrible finger painting session that she loved writing. She gave her journal to Deena as a send off of her emotions so she could finally detach from her. She was scared of being vulnerable and being open with Deena, allowing her to see into her innermost thoughts about her or every interaction they've had, but now that they weren't together, this fear subsided. Sam decided to take a different approach. Dealing with the feelings head on like every other journal entry she's ever written was too overwhelming and didn't allow her to process and intellectualise her feelings deep enough to get to the root of the problem.

She also hated being honest with herself. She was never taught to think for herself as a child, whatever her mother said was what Sam had to feel, think and defend as if it were her own thoughts and own baby. She couldn't remember the last time she ever truly felt alive in her own body with her own intellectual thoughts until she was with Deena. It was an act of rebellion that symbolised her first step away from the toxic and over bearing relationship she had with her mother. Now that her mother was gone it was like the chains that kept her locked in a dungeon had been broken, now she had to find her way out. She was alone, but she preferred to be.

She made her way to her room and she opened a fresh journal. Instead of writing about her feelings she began to plan a fictional story. The main character was a monster who spent his life in hiding as he was taught to be afraid of humans. All he had ever known was that humans were terrible and dangerous. The turning point of the story she planned was that he eventually did decide to leave his own bubble and found out humans weren't like that. Well some were, but most weren't. It gave him hope.

Sam was writing about herself. She met Deena, and even though she was horrible to her, Sam only ever saw herself as a gross, monster like extension of her mother until she acknowledged her feelings for Deena. When she came to terms with the fact she liked girls and in particular, Deena Johnson, she felt like her world was crumbling down. But not anymore.

She wrote all day and all night, she slept for a few hours but woke up after she gained inspiration from her dream. She wrote all weekend and leading into Monday where she only realised at 4 am that she had school later that day. She slept for as long as she could and she left her journal at home. She wanted to keep that story separate from her school life.

When Sam arrived at the school she realised it would be the first time since Friday, since the incident. She didn't know who she was going to see or what was going to happen. Kate had told her that practice was off all week, which was an odd thing for her to say as Kate never cancelled one practice, let alone a whole week. This hinted to Sam that Kate wasn't going to be at school, which means Deena wasn't either. Even though Sam knew this was going to happen, she felt a sense of disappointment during Biology when she looked over to see Deena's entire table to be empty. She knew she was obsessed, but you don't fall out of love so quickly.

Sam was sitting by herself in Biology when two people came in the door late. It was Peter and Sheila. Sam looked down at her paper as they approached the table. She hadn't spoken to them since their fight on Friday. The two of them sat down next to her like nothing happened and began chatting. Sam tried to focus on taking notes but they were whispering so loud she couldn't keep her attention on the teacher. At one point Peter poked Sam and she snapped.

"What?" she shouted at him in a whisper.

"Calm down babe, I was just wondering if we were still going to prom together?" he asked her.

Shit. Prom. Sam completely forgot that prom was this Friday, meaning she also forgot who she was going with. She wanted to throw up in her mouth at the mere thought of having to attend with Peter, but she had no other choice. Maybe Peter could be an opportunity for her to figure out her sexuality more?

"Yeah, of course" Sam told him with a slightly forced smile.

He gave her a smile back that only enraged her more. Maybe Peter wasn't the person she should be experimenting with. Sam didn't know if she only liked girls or if she liked both guys and girls. She had never felt what she felt when she kissed Deena with any guy ever, and when Sam went to Sunnyvale she dated quite a few guys. She never felt butterflies, she never blushed, she never wanted to be with them. She just went along with it. But it was different with Deena, when it came to her Sam was a different person. She wanted to kiss her, to hug her, to touch her. She had an insatiable hunger for her.

Sam flicked herself under the table. Stop thinking about Deena. She flicked herself every time she did so she was able to get out of this Deena obsessed rut she was in. Her thoughts were distracted again by Sheila's voice this time.

"Hey Sammy?" Sheila asked.

"Hmm?" Sam hummed in response.

"What type of dress are you wearing because I can't decide between an open back with a high neckline or with a low neckline?"

"Mine's kind of in between. It's a mid neckline I guess" Sam shrugged.

She had picked the dress out after Peter asked her with her mom. She always loved dressing up and going shopping so picking a dress was fun, but who she had to wear it with was not. That's why Sam chose the most jaw dropping dress that she loved more than anything. So that even though she was forced to go with Peter, her mood wasn't entirely ruined as she knew she looked good on her own.

"Ooh what colour is it again? You never told me!" she asked.

"It's like a navy blue" Sam replied, now getting irritated by Sheila's two-faced personality and comments. She didn't care about Sam's dress, she just wanted to know that no one else would be wearing the same colour as her. The colour is red, but Sheila thinks she owns the colour and the dress style she would pick so no one would dare to wear anything that was even a shade close to red.

The bell rung and Sam was thankful it did. The rest of the day passed quite fast as Sam was excited to go back home and continue writing. She found out she loved writing and it was an easy way for her to put her situation in and look at it from another lens or perspective. It helped her process her feelings better and explore the issue she has with homosexuality further. She was learning more and more about herself with every line she wrote.

This is how the rest of the week went by, Sam would show up to school and take notes during classes but during lunch all she would do was think about her story and what would happen next. She thought about different character arcs or plot twist, and what style of writing she wanted to emphasise. She wrote so much she lost track of time or she fell asleep with pen in hand. Sometimes she'd wake up with ink all over her face.

The disappointment she felt in not seeing Deena at school grew less and less with each day. Maybe she was just getting used to it or maybe she was getting over what happened. She still knew she loved Deena very much and that type of love doesn't fade quickly, but the journey she was on was allowing her to begin to heal from her mother's mistakes to make sure she wouldn't hurt Deena, herself or anyone else any further.