As the title suggests this a very, very naughty joke book so if you are easily offended... then this collection of jokes is not for you. Some are clean but the majority are not but the only reason they are in this book is because, rightly or wrongly...
On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the retreat's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the Retreats office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 78 years old. I only get an erection once a month and I fart 30-odd times a day!!"
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A young man reaches his twentieth birthday and his friends lay on a party to celebrate. However, no matter how good the music, no matter how varied and plentiful the drinks, no matter how good humoured and entertaining his friends are, the young man is clearly depressed.
His closest friend confronts him and asks why he is not enjoying himself.
After some minutes, the young man blurts out a confession. "I'm still a virgin!" And bursts into tears.
His friend is astonished. He asks if the young man is gay. "No. I'm one hundred per cent hetero." he replies.
"But.... You're tall, good looking, highly intelligent, very fit and charming" says the friend. "Not only that, but I've seen you with loads of girls. Are you saying that despite all that, you've never had sex?"
"I'm afraid so," he answers.
"Why not? With all you've got going for you, you should be beating them off with a stick."
"Well! Its like this." he says. "I have an enormous cock. And it's too big." He is close to tears, "Every time I get naked with a girl, she takes one look at it and tells me, "There's no way that is going anywhere near me. It would tear me apart! And the worst part is that, that girl tells her friend about how big it is, and that friend tells another and so on and so on. I'm going to die a virgin. Because every girl within fifty miles now knows about it and none of them will let me get close to them."
His friend ponders this. "Why don't you take a trip down to Soho," he suggests, "It's where you'll find a prostitute. You just pay her and then you have sex. That's it. You won't be a virgin anymore."
The young man agrees, and takes himself off to London with a pocketful of cash. He meets a beautiful prostitute, agrees a price, then they head back to her place.
Once there, the girl undresses and reclines sexily on her bed. Looking at the young man she says in her most seductive voice, "Why don't you get out of those clothes honey and join me here?"
She pats the bed invitingly.
The young man, afraid that she will take fright at his size, asks, "Do you mind if I put the light out first?"
"Put the light out?' She queries. "Why would you do that?"
He's caught off guard and can only stutter out the first thing he can think of, "Well....! It's because I'm a Buddhist."
She seems to accept this excuse, so he quickly undresses and climbs onto the bed.
At this point the prostitute asks "A Buddhist huh? Tell me do you Buddhists believe in......... JESUS CHRIST!!!!"
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A Scottish couple took in a young girl as a paying lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathtub inside, although if she wanted to, she could use the outside tub.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," the wife suggested.
The girl agreed to have a bath outside the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the wife heated the outside tub and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the girl didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so the wife said, "Next Monday, when you go to play darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden so you can see for yourself."
So, the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed and was getting into the tub, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"
"No," she replied. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the wife, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"
"Why are you worried about that?" the wife answered. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said.... "but the bloody darts team hadn't!
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Quick Giggle.
Have you ever wondered why girls wear pants with flowers on?
It's in loving memory of all the heads that have buried themselves there....
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