Shrimpy's Very, Very, Naughty Joke Book ⚠️

Joke 73: Religious Shit.

Taoism: Shit happens.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens/ Shit happens/ Happens, happens/ Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius says: "Shit happens."
T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit.
Atheism: No shit.
Jehovah's Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science: Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.
Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me.

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Three nuns who had recently died were on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter.

Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells. St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.

St. Peter asked the first nun. "What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?"

The first nun answered. "Adam and Eve." The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.

St. Peter then asked the second none. "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree?"

The second nun answered. "An apple." The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.

And finally it came the turn of the last nun. St. Peter: "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"

After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!" The lights flashed......

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community..

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy!

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows...' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'

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Quick Giggle.

I just joined a gym for religious minorities.

Jehovah's Fitness

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