A Fool's Revenge

A Bullet In The Chamber With Nowhere To Go

"GUYS I FOUND HER!" someone yelled and helped me up but I couldn't tell who because my tears obscured my vision along with the alcohol. I had no expression but every terrible thought I had brought tears to my eyes. I stumbled along and was set into the car. I started thinking out loud, mumbling drunkenly to myself.

"Jay, what's wrong?" someone asked but I was too consumed in my thoughts.

"Dude, leave it." someone else said, I assumed it was Ricky.

"No! She's clearly upset and she's fucking wasted! I want to know why she has been like this for days!?"

"I'M UPSET BECAUSE ONE OF MY BESTFRIENDS KISSED ME AND TOLD ME... he loved me." I yelled in a slur, losing my breath towards the end. I went into full blown hysterics, rambling on about everything that was wrong with me and by the end of it I was sober enough to stop crying and somehow be fully aware of what I just did. They all looked at me sadly and I got out of the car and started walking.

"Jayme! Get back in the car!" Devin yelled from the window but I ignored him and kept walking. I wanted to be alone, that's all I wanted. I wanted to cool myself down instead of being a pity party for one. I heard the padding of feet behind me and even though my head told me to run I knew I couldn't because I didn't know where I was.

"Jayme, come on, don't do this." Ricky said with the slightest trace of tears welling up in his eyes.

"Do what? Calm myself down? Run away from my problems like I always do? Sorry I'm a fuck up and would rather live my life alone than fuck everyone I love over in the process." I said in an angry whisper.

"You're not a fuck up! You're one amazing chick and I know right now it probably doesn't matter but no matter what you are not fucking everyone over. You're beautiful, funny, charismatic and just everything someone should be! If you can't see that then you're blind!" he chuckled with a dumbfounded look on his face.

"Ricky, I'm broken glass, you don't get it. I always seem to hurt the ones I hold closest to my heart and nobody can fix me." I laughed at my analogy and how accurate it sounded in my head. He looked down at his phone, sent a text and I saw the car drive by.

"Here." he said and handed me a cigarette and a lighter. I lit and took a long puff before handing him his lighter back.

"Listen to me and listen well. You may be broken but I know that something or someone will put you back together. We're all a little broken, some more than others, but we can always be put back together. I don't care if you don't believe me but the shit you're going through isn't as bad as it could be. I know you hate to be pitied that's why I told the guys to go get something to eat. I'm gonna be blunt right now because you need someone to not sugar coat shit. Mike doesn't hate you, he's just confused. Vic just wanted to get that shit off of his chest and he just hoped you wouldn't remember. I only told you because I knew and I know you were just fuzzy. I hate to see you so torn up about this, we all do but you have to realize that you can't bottle this shit up. We're here for a fucking reason and that's to be here for you no matter what is going on. You need to understand that." I sat there in utter shock, I could feel the tears flowing down my face and there was so much I wanted to just blurt out but my mind was just so trashed that I couldn't word anything good in comparison to his rant.

"I know you guys are here for me no matter what but, and I know you're gonna get pissed, I'm fucked up. This is just the way I am. I overthink everything going on, avoid people and shut down for a few days then I act like everything is peachy and try to fix it. you guys just have to understand that if I want to be alone and stay home and block everyone out, I'm going to because that gives me time to think everything out and time to stop freaking out. You guys haven't seen me even at my worst yet and if this worries you guys then maybe, hopefully not, you'll be in for a surprise." I chuckled and tried to burn it in his brain. He just shook his head and smiled at me.

"There's no getting through to you, huh?"

"No getting through to you either, huh?" We both chuckled and sat there smoking the last of our cigarettes and waiting for the guys to come back.

By the time they arrived I was ready to pass out. Ricky and I got into the back seat because Devin took Ricky's original passenger seating. I laid my head on his shoulder but forced myself to stay awake but joining in their insane discussion of chicken wings.
We finally arrived at my house and I yawned a goodbye to the guys and stumbled out of the SUV. They waited for me to get inside before leaving.

I switched the hall light on and the house being so quiet hit me hard like a ton of bricks. I wasn't going to sleep wrapped up in Mike's arms. I wasn't going to hear 'I love you, Jayme' before I drifted off. I was alone and I hated it.

I dragged myself up to be and changed out of the alcoholic smelling clothes and into some shorts and a tank top. I curled up in my cold bed and felt a weight lift off of my chest. Talking to Ricky made me realize that I have to explain myself to everyone, even if it hurts them. It's hurting me more not saying anything and just sweeping it under the rug rather than getting it all out in the open.



I made my final decisions of the night and I was as content ad I could be as I let out one last yawn and snuggled into my comforter to get some much need sleep.