Middle Earth Mayhem

Bilbo is forever scared

(Bilbo is hugging his legs and rocking back and forth under his dining table)

Bilbo: What if he comes back? What if he really wanted to marry me? What do I tell him? Will he be angry? He might destroy Hobbiton!

(There are two knocks at his door and then a hard one and the door is forced off its hinges and flys down the corridor)

Bilbo: ARGH!!!!!! ITS SMAUG!!!! HES COME FOR ME!!!!! STRUCK BY LIGHTENING!!!!! STRUCK BY LIGHTENING!!!!

Gandalf: (Walks in) Grow up Bilbo Baggins! Your grandmother wouldn't hesitate to get up and face her fears!

Bilbo: IM NOT AN OLD LADY!!!!!!! (Continues to rock)

(Wingbeat outside then a thud)

Smaug: (Still drunk) Hey! Bilbo Baggy! You forgot your purse!

Gandalf: (Laughs) Go on, Bilbo. Go and thank Smaug for bringing back your purse!

Bilbo: Shut up, Gandalf!

Smaug: I know you're in there!

Bilbo: How do I know he's not tricking me?

Gandalf: He's too drunk to trick you!

Smaug: I can (hiccup) hear you!

Bilbo: (Scuttles outside) Thanks... Buddy... (Jokingly punches Smaug)

Smaug: (Mimics Bilbo with his purse) 'Oooooo! I'm Bilbo Baggy! I'm a sissy! Ooooooo!!! It's Smaug!!!! Argh!!!! A spider!!!!'

Bilbo: SHUT UP YOU OVERSIZED TURKEY!!!!

Smaug: (Stops and gives Bilbo a death stare) You what?

Bilbo: (Getting very angry) YEAH!!!! YOU HEARD ME!!!! YOU WANT SOME???? I'LL GIVE YOU SOME!!!! (Charges at Smaug's tummy and starts punching him)

Smaug: ARGH!!!!! STOP!!!! THAT TICKLES!!!! (Rolls around so much that he rolls backwards down Hobbiton and into the river)

Lindir: (jumps out of Bilbo's garden) LOL!!!