trying to feel better

day 200

02.07.21
11:02 pm

firstly, I wanna say how insane it is to have been on this journey with you guys for 200 days. Although I don't write everyday. I do write the important things. Important feelings and moments. These entries have mostly been about E but it's that he is such a huge part in who I am. He's such a huge person in my life and everything memorable and important someway has him in it.

yesterday I spent the day with E. It was spontaneous but really good. We were together in the morning doing something then I asked if he'd wanna come with me and my family out somewhere. It wasn't anything crazy just shopping for stuff. Of course he said yes and when I asked my mom she right away said yes. Which surprises me.

Like I've said once before my mother was very much so against mine and E's friendship. But that almost seems so long ago cause now she always willing to bring him along and invite him. Which obviously works in my favor since I get to spend time with him. And I feel like I really let him in yesterday.

When we got in our uber we began talking about relationships. But it almost felt like we were talking about us. We kept saying that we were both really scared of having a relationship right now. That although we both want it badly we also don't want something with the pressure of labels. And I agreed one hundred percent.

I told him that it's like I'm happy being alone but of course I'd like someone. But my fear is that I'll get bored or tired of them and he said the same thing. I told him that when you meet the right one though it'll all come easy. Loving them and wanting them will come easy cause your with your person. The right person and he agreed with me.

And when we went to get some food just me and him. We began to talk about us. And I told him that even though I love and care so much for him, I'd regret giving him my virginity. He agreed that he'd kind of regret it too. I'm not sure if he said that to agree with me or to make himself feel better after what I said.

But I explained to him that I'd only regret it cause I know he's not the one I'm going to marry. He cut me off and immediately said that nobody knows if we won't or will get married. And in my mind now I think maybe he has feelings. Just maybe.

And then I told he's right. I don't know if we'll one day we'll get married and be happy, but I did tell him this; we are both at an age and stage in our life's where I genuinely believe we aren't ready to be in a relationship with each other. And he told me he likes what we have.

Him and I can just talk about anything and everything. I can tell him how jealous I am of the girls he talks to. And we can talk about sex and love. We can talk about God and just about everything. I'm also really happy with what we have.

And then when we went to drop him off. I went inside with him cause his mom had something for mine. And when we went I gave her a hug and kiss but her friend was there. So she was distracted for a bit. So E took me to his room to show me it and it good until we went behind his door and he bent me over the bed.

He grabbed me and bent me on his dick. As much as I'd love to have sex with him I just want to wait till marriage. I want to have the moment with my husband. I want to be intimate in the most beautiful way. I want to make love.

I want it to be special. But not like flowers and candles. I want it to be the most intimate moment of my life. The most intense moment. In all the best ways. Is that too much to ask for?