trying to feel better

day 548

01.24.22
10:23 pm

I'm super upset. I'm angry. So fucking angry. At myself and him. He hurt me a lot. It's like an unexpected hurt.  It's an "I didn't see this coming" hurt.

I'll never be able to be his friend ever again. He'll never be able to be my friend again. We'll never talk the way we used to. We'll never act the way we used to with each other. It's done. The friendship is over.

There's no coming back from this because what happened between us is something that should've never happened. It's something that we should've stopped cause it cost us our friendship.

And I now realize that his feelings for me were always only sexual. He never had real emotional or romantic feelings. Cause every time we were alone, we'd have sex or do something sexual. Maybe his intentions weren't to make me feel used, but that's exactly how he made me feel.

When he told me about this other girl he kept on apologizing. Saying he didn't want to do what he did with me with someone else. Except he did. I told him sex is sex. You had sex with me and now you're having sex with her.

The only difference is he has real feelings for this girl. It fucking hurt hearing him talk about her. He kept on saying sex hasn't even been on his mind with her. He said after they had sex he cuddled her. He never did that shit with me.  He never gave me the proper aftercare.

I fucking hate him. All he ever thought with me was about sex. And that's when I realized his feelings were never real. He just wanted sex. And yeah maybe I wanted sex, but I had real feelings. I still have real feelings.

It hurts feeling used for sex. It hurts feeling like you're just an object for someone to use when they want and to throw away when they're done with you. Maybe he didn't mean to make me feel this way but fuck him and his apologies. Fuck his feelings at this point.

Like I don't understand what he thought was going to happen when he told me about this girl. Did he think I'd be so happy and continue to be his friend? Did he think I'd be okay? Like FUCK YOU!

He didn't think twice about having sex with her. He didn't consider me before doing what he did. And I'm not saying he needs my permission. I'm just saying he should've held off on sex until he officially had told me about her.

He really thought we'd still be friends. But I can't do that. I told him that I need to move on and the only way I can do that is by not being his friend. I know he's hurt. I know he didn't think this would be the outcome, but we're adults.

And honestly fuck him if he's upset. He has no right to be mad at me. He's the one who played me. He kept giving mixed signals. He was always hot and cold. When in reality he was just keeping me around till he found someone else. He's an asshole.

I wish I never met him. I wish we never became friends. I wish everything that happened never happened.

But life must go on. And so I must move one. Someway, somehow.