trying to feel better

day 545

01.21.22
12:56 am

I genuinely don't think I can be friends with E right now. It's not that I don't want to be around him, but it's starting to feel draining again. Being next to him is beginning to make me feel drained.

This has happened once before. I just think the best thing is for us to not be friends. I don't want that, but I need it to move on. To close this chapter of my life. To realize that this is never going to happen no matter how many times I feel some hope.

E and I were not meant to be in a romantic relationship ever. And it sucks because I wanted more than anything for it to be him. I've always wanted it to be him, but it can't be him. Cause he doesn't make me feel good. He makes me second guess. He makes me feel like I'm unstable emotionally and mentally.

It's like a rollercoaster that I can't get off of, but I need this ride to come to an end. I need to let go of him and all the feelings attached to him. Cause I'm not in love with him, but I lost my virginity to him. And that's just something I can't brush off. It's something I can't just let go of so easily.

I love him so much as a friend. I adore my friendship with him, but enough is enough. I don't trust a word he says to me. I don't believe him when he says he's just friends with all these girls. Cause his actions speak louder than his words.

I told him that I don't ever believe anything he says because he acts the same as everyone. He's super flirtatious with lots of people that I no longer believe his intentions towards me. And that's why I constantly have to argue with him to find out his feelings. Cause he's just never clear.

Being his friend isn't good for me. I just can't do it. Cause all I think about every day is whether or not he's going to call or text me. All I think about is what he's doing or if he wants to be in my company.

He doesn't cause if he did he'd call. He'd be wanting to talk or hang out he'd be making the effort. And yeah maybe I could also make the effort but I'm kind of over always trying to be the one to text or call first.

I'm kind of over the friendship. I think we've grown out of each other. I think us having sex was a mistake that we just don't want to admit. But it was a mistake. It's something that never should've happened. Last summer never should've happened.

Things got out of hand way too fast. And if I would've known everything that would happen after the sex, then I'd never would've done it.

Too much has happened for me to just be able to be his friend right now. I need to focus on myself and my feelings. I know it's not fair to E that I no longer want to be friends, but it's the only option that makes sense right now.