trying to feel better

day 557

02.03.22
10:19 pm

I'm at peace, but I miss him.

I miss his voice. I miss seeing his name on my phone. I miss laughing with him. I miss talking almost every day. I miss his company. I miss his presence. I miss my best friend.

I know that this is everything I wanted. I know that this is the right choice. I know that this is what I need. But it's normal to miss someone who you've shared your entire life with. He and I were attached at the hip.

It's weird not being able to call him. He's not on my mind as much as he was before. But sometimes I think about calling him. I think maybe one phone call won't be anything crazy, but I don't want to give him the wrong idea. I don't want him to think things are back to normal.

And I just think I need some time to get used to this new "normal". I wish that this didn't have to happen, but sometimes life gives us so many different outcomes. Things just happen and there are consequences for all of our actions.

I've been feeling really good. Removing him from my life, as much as I didn't want to, has truly improved everything. I'm happier and I'm at peace. Yes, I find myself wondering what he's doing. Or wondering if I'm on his mind. But I doubt it.

He has this new girl in his life. It sucks cause I sort of feel replaced. I feel like I'm just waiting for the phone call of him telling me that it's over between him and this girl.

I know I'm not getting that phone call. I know that it just won't happen. And I want him to be happy more than anything. But I can't help but feel that I want him to only be happy with me.

I know that's selfish of me. And I guess part of me wants to stop being friends to make him suffer honestly. To make him feel something like what I've felt every time he did something wrong or said something wrong. I want him to feel the emptiness of my absent presence.

I know that this can't go on forever. I know at some point he will figure out how to live life without me. And I'll do the same. I think that's what I want for us both. I want us to be able to live our lives without each other.

I love him more than anything. He's been my best friend since I was 13 years old. But I'm 21 about to turn 22 this year and I need to grow up. I need to leave him in my teenage years. Adult me can't keep doing this.

I need to let him go, but I don't want to. I guess I still have hope for us.