trying to feel better

day 424

09.19.21
12:45 pm

I hate him. I literally want nothing to do with E at all. I've been playing myself this entire time. Trying to believe that he was different. Hoping and praying that the feelings I thought he had were real. But I don't trust him at all. I've lost all trust in him within two days.

It started yesterday. He was being really friendly with the girl that likes him. Giving her a piggy back ride. And totally ignoring the fact that she liked him. So I was just so upset with him. And then he told me she called him babe by accident. Which lets be honest nobody says that by accident. Fucking dumbass.

So that was already upsetting me that he continues to act as though he doesn't see what she does that makes it seem like she likes him. Yesterday we also went to her house for her bday. And he takes his phone. Asks for his passcode so she could play a game on it. Then asks to post on his snap. Already at that point I'm LIVID BITCH.

I wanted to just leave and not be there at all. But then E and I had a conversation and we were good.

Then today at church we were leaving. He gives everyone hugs. Especially the girl that likes him. Gives her a big ass hug. Then comes to my car cause we're dropping him off and gives me a hand shake. I was like WTF. are you deadass. I only get a handshake.

And my thing is that everything is awkward with us. Like we don't really give each other hugs. And my thing is that it shouldn't be this way. We've had sex. We've seen each other naked. He's been inside me. But we're still so weird around each other. It's the worst!!

And to too the fucking cake! I told him yesterday that all o want us that if we are doing what we're doing as in having sex and he starts talking to someone let me know. That's all that I ask. He tells me I'm not talking to anyone.

Then in the car he calls some bitch and it's literally like a girl that he's trying to talk to romantically. And I wanted to literally just break down crying. Like you couldn't do that when you were home or away from me. You couldn't wait till you left. You had to call her in front of me. He tried to hug me and I told him no. He was like why you being so mean and I'm like just go.

I hate him. I need some space from him. My girl best friend said I need space. I'm attached to him. And that attached feeling comes from giving him my virginity. From having sex with him. And I wish that if I would've of known this I wouldn't have done it. Not with him. Not with him because he can never give me what I want. Cause I truly don't want it from him.

I'm so done with him. I'm so over it. And I wish I could just disappear. Work on myself. And not have to see him or be near him. But I can't do that cause I'll see him. So for now I just need to step back from him. Don't call or text him. Don't hang out with him. Keep it professional.

But I honestly hate him right now.

My advice: HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS PURE INTENTIONS TOWARDS YOU! 🙏🏼