trying to feel better

day 431

09.26.21
6:15 pm

I wanna talk to E. I feel like we've grown apart somehow. I feel like every time I'm around him I'm miserable. Every time I'm next to him my heart sinks to my stomach. I feel sick when I'm next to him. But he's my best friend. And I don't know what I'll do without him.

I want my friend back. I want our bond back. I want us to go back to how things were before shit got complicated. Before the sexual shit. I want us to be who we were before.

I need space from him, but I don't want space. I just want us to move on. Even though my heart feels heavy I just want us to be us again. I want the us before things got complicated. And I don't know if we'll be able to get back to that.

I don't think we'll be able to move past everything that's happened. I don't understand how we got here. I can't wrap my head around all the things that lead up to us feeling like strangers. We don't talk when we see each other at church. We walk past one another like strangers.

We made eye contact and immediately look away. We fucked up something great. We ruined a beautiful bond. A beautiful friendship for some sex. And I hate us both for that. Cause if I'm honest we're both to blame. Cause I wanted it as badly as he did, but part of him wanted it more.

And maybe it's cause he's horny. Or maybe cause at the beginning he was genuine. But I no longer trust him and I think that's what is ruining us. I think I feel miserable around him cause I'm just waiting for him to disappoint me again.

I'm just waiting for my heart to break. But I want to trust him again. I want to believe that he's genuine and wasn't using me all along.

I don't know what to do honestly.