trying to feel better

day 503

12.07.21
9:59 pm

I've realized that a lot of these post have been solely about E and I need to let go of him.

I've confronted my feelings and I'm angry. I'm not heartbroken. I'm not sad. I'm fucking pissed. I'm pissed that I've wasted so much time on this one boy. I've given so much of myself to him. I've been there for him time and time again.

He's cried over the phone to me about girls he's been in love with. I've been there every-time he went through a heartbreak. I'm just so stupid and I never realized until now.

I'm not in love with him. I know that for a fact. I think it's just an attachment. I think he feels comfortable and that's why I continue to fall back on him. He feels like home. Maybe a dysfunctional home, but he makes me feel needed. And it's sad.

It's sad that our friendship/relationship has turned out to be so toxic. I honestly believe it's a trauma bond. He's mentally manipulated me and abused me emotionally. He's abused me by hurting my feelings and then apologizing. Saying all the things I want to hear.

Making me believe he's changing. Or that he wants more just to keep me around. He's an all around red flag 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩‼️

These last two days he hasn't been on my mind as much, but tomorrow night I may see him. I'm not sure. But I feel like I'm doing good, but that could change when I see him. And I don't want it to change.

I don't want to melt when he talks to me or wants a hug from me. I honestly don't want to touch him and I don't want him to touch me. I no longer have it in me to fight for his attention. To fight other girls over him.

He's not my soulmate. He's not the one I'm meant to be with. And I know that now. It's hurts to realize that. It sucks a lot but the faster I acknowledge it, the faster I can move on. The faster I can heal from everything.

I know healing takes time. And I'm finally ready to give myself all the time I need to heal. All the time I need to move past this and remove him from every part of my life.

I wish the best for him. I want him to be happy and find the love of his life. And I know for a fact that it's not me. And I'm okay with that.

I want to be happy. I no longer want to be sad and angry at everyone. I no longer want to lash out at people who have nothing to do with my anger. I want to be who I was before all this happened.

I want to be the person I was 7 months ago.