trying to feel better

day 455

10.20.21
3:14 pm

I don't know how I feel right now. I think everything is just piling on top of each other. I feel super heavy over my friendship with E. I feel like he's using me, but I've also always felt that way since this started. I enjoy it in the moment and then a few days later I feel used.

I just want him. Like does he not understand that? Does he not get that all I've been doing has been because I thought it would change things.

He's always been saying that he just wants something with no strings. Just wants to do stuff with other girls and get it out of his system. BUT HE ISN'T DOING THAT.

Now his excuse is he's not mentally stable for that. Then why is it okay with me? Why is it that you can do it with me. Why can you use me.

I'm hurt actually. I'm angry with him and myself.

My heart feels so heavy and I don't know what to do. I want to be there for him as his friend. But I also want more. I want effort. I want intimacy, but not sexually. I just want him to hold me. I want to hold him.

It's like I don't get it. I don't get how we got here. I don't understand how he can be such an asshole.

He told me he has options. As in multiple girls as options and it hurts cause I'm literally begging for his attention. I'm literally giving him head and he's telling me he has options. And I told him that, he got all flustered and said he doesn't want anything with them.

He's a liar. He's always been one. And I just never realized it until now. He's been manipulating me from the start.

Three days before we had sex he told me he felt he wasn't the right one for me to lose my virginity to. He said I should do it with someone who can give me what I want. Someone who I can fall in love with. Yet he still did it.

He still went through with having sex with me. KNOWING he couldn't give me what I wanted. And I blame him when I should blame myself.

I should've had more self respect this entire time. Ruining my friendship because I wanted intimacy. I crave a type of intimacy that E simply cannot give me. I want love not to make love. I want someone who will listen to me not ask me for head. Someone who will kiss me in the most innocent ways. Not someone who will manipulate me.

I want more for myself and I wish I would've seen him for who he truly is before. But he's my best friend. I just thought for me he'd be different. Cause I know his ways with girls, but I thought he'd treat me different. He always did tell me I was different. But someway somehow he ended up treating me like any other girl.

I guess I have myself to blame for putting him on such a high pedestal. I'm the only to blame at this point. I've let so much slide. I've convinced myself that he is what's best for me. That he's the best I'll get.

But that's not true. I need to love myself first in order to then allow someone else to come and love me.  My time will come. It may not be today, or tomorrow, or for a very long time. But it will come.