trying to feel better

day 377

07.29.21
1:50 pm

E and I have been good. Almost too good. It scares me that I have no competition. That there's nobody else catching E's eye. I guess I've just always been the second choice and for there to be no other choices freaks me out a bit.

* a few hours later lol*

I ended up going to E's house tonight. We were alone for the most part cause his mom was shopping. When I got to his house it was a little off. Felt kind of weird so we decided to talk about everything. I expressed to him that I just want to wait to have sex until I'm married.

What if I were to get into a relationship I'd also expect my boyfriend to wait until I was ready. And that is only having sex with my boyfriend as long as I knew that he'd be the man I'm marrying. I just can't explain it, but my virginity is just such a huge part of me and I'm scared to give the satisfaction to someone.

I'm scared to give E the satisfaction of knowing he's my first. Unless marriage and a relationship are in our future. I also just feel super pressured to have sex with him. And I want to do things on my terms. At my own time. And it's like he gets it but at the same time, he doesn't.

We ended up cuddling afterward and well y'all know what that leads to. But this time we ended up in missionary and we're like dry humping. It was hella intense and felt amazing. He kept whispering in my ear and it was amazing. Of course, at the moment I wanted him, but I know I'd regret it later on.

I asked E why he doesn't just get a random girl and have sex with her. He's told me before that's what he wanted this summer. Meaningless sex with someone and no strings. I told him I couldn't do that. Cause we see each other all the time. And all I'd be able to think is like wow we've seen each other naked. Like he's been inside me.

And he told me he didn't want a random girl. That he's been lying. He said he wants me cause he trusts me and loves me and we have a bond. And now that I'm thinking about it it's maybe him trying to tell me how much he likes me. That he wants to have sex with me and not some random girl.

He told me he cut off some girl that likes him. He finally told her like stop I don't feel the same. And he immediately called me after he did it.

I'm just scared of everything. I have this feeling that E kind of is falling harder for me. That he has deeper feelings he just doesn't know how to express them except through actions. Like him wanting me in that intimate way so much is kind of his way of expressing how much he likes me.

I just want things to be done on my terms. At my time. And that's why I constantly put my foot down. But the summers are not over yet so I guess we'll just have to see what happens.