trying to feel better

day 1013

03.10.23
2:24 am

I feel so angry right now. Like super just frustrated with him. And I hate that. Some days I feel like I'm making so much progress. And then I get these moments where all I can think about is how angry I am at him.

It makes me so mad that he just moved on. He acts like he did nothing. As if it doesn't matter to him. Like he's happy so he doesn't give a fuck if I'm hurt. And that's frustrating!!!

I get mad because I want him to hurt. I want him to feel what I felt but then I think if I did that I'd be just as bad as him. I would be no different and I want to be different. I want to be resilient. BUT ITS HARD!!

It's so hard when I have all these emotions just piled up. When I have all these feelings. But every day I pray and ask God to take them away. Cause I know that these aren't feelings God gives me. These emotions don't belong to me and I don't want to be guided by emotion. I want to be guided by God.

So it's hard. It's so hard and I'm struggling. I spoke with him and I told him just a little about how I felt. Only because I knew that if we had an extended conversation I'd want to hurt him. So I just told him he hurt me and I don't trust him but I want to move on. And he said he didn't mean to hurt me in any way.

BUT THAT'S NOT THE RESPONSE I WANTED.

I wanted him to admit he fucked up. I wanted him to say that he's hurting because he hurt me. I wanted him to validate that I'm so important in his life. I wanted him to say he wants us to be best friends. I WANTED MORE.

But I should know this by now; HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT MORE IS SO HE CANNOT GIVE IT TO ME!

And now I feel frustrated at myself for even opening that door up again. For even allowing him to think he'll have the same access to me he once had. But this time is different. This time he has a girlfriend.

We'll be friends but we can't have sex. We can't have late-night phone calls. He can't confide in me the way he used to. He can't be super comfortable with me the way he once was. Cause he's no longer my person. He's her person now.

And some boundaries come with this new friendship. But it feels like I don't even know him anymore. And that hurts my heart. Cause I know he's not the same person I once loved and cared for. He's different now. He's not mine.

And I think sharing him feels different. Sharing him is something new. Having to push what he and I had to the side is new. His girlfriend doesn't know about us. But I want to ask him to confirm.

But I don't know how to bring that up.

There's just so much hurt between us. Maybe we both ruined each other but he completely destroyed me. He always said he had been hurt in the past. That he needed time and he knew I'd never hurt him. And I think I showed him the love and care he needed. I showed him that not every girl will hurt you and I healed that part of him.

But in healing him, he left me destroyed. He killed the goodness I gave to him. He took that love from me. He healed and broke me in the process of his healing. And that's not fair. It's not fair that he used me to move in. He used me to find what he felt he deserved.

He put his past trauma on me and killed a piece of me. And I don't know how to forgive him for that. But I'm not a mean person. I'm not a person who pushes their pain onto others. So I won't allow him to make me someone I'm not.

But it hurts. And idk how to be his friend anymore. There's just too much history. I told him we'll be friends but at my pace. At my time. With what makes me comfortable. Cause right now his feelings no longer matter. This is about me and what I feel.