trying to feel better

day 131

11.23.20
12:50 am

yesterday I spent the entire day with E. his mom to me and him out to spend his birthday together and I'm so happy that she did. Spending the day with him kind of confirmed the feelings that I have for him, but one phone call made everything so clear.

me and him spent most of the day play fighting. we had our hands on each other most of the day and it felt right. we ended up going to his aunts house and spent the night watching movies. we sat together and continued to play fight.

he told me that he's talking to some girl and when he told me I rolled my eyes. she called him while we were together and I was lowkey sad about it. He laughed cause he knew exactly why I was mad. I laughed too because I told him I have days where I like you and then days where I don't.

Then I got a phone call from my best friend and I explained that my situation with E was the usual. She laughed and told me that we just needed to get things out of our systems and we'd be fine. And when I say things I mean... you know what I mean.

But I told her I was scared. In front of E I told her that I feared our friendship wouldn't be able to come back from something like that. And she told me that it's true because my friendship with E is based off of the fact that we constantly flirt and me around with other. So if you remove all that from our relationship then we'd be left with nothing.

And that's one of my fears. My other really big fear is that if I lose my virginity to E I'm scared I'll regret it. I'm scared that even though I love and care for him, that those feelings won't be enough. That I'd regret giving y virginity to some guy who's not really worth it. To a guy I've been chasing after. To a guy who won't be my husband.

Im scared that if be making the wrong decision. But I know that if I change my mind that E is down to do it. He said so himself and I think that makes me feel like there has to be some feelings towards me. Cause the things he says to me on the low are super flirty super inappropriate. But it's like off I think about it all we have is truly sexual tension.