trying to feel better

day 138

11.30.20
8:26 am

last night I had a dream with E. in my dream he and I were together. It felt like we were in a really happy relationship. It was such a comfortable feeling. Like in the dream he was sleeping over in my house and we had to get ready so he came to the room with me.

In the dream I knew we hadn't had sex yet because I remember how incredible it felt just to kiss him and see each other half naked. We had hickeys and it just felt right. It was something so innocent because he wasn't rushing or forcing anything. If anything he was trying to get me out of that insecure state of mind.

He'd tell me that we could do anything but not sex. That I could kiss him whenever and wherever. He'd do the same in return for me. It felt like he was trying to get me to open up more.

Lately in real life not a dream lol. Me and E have been getting closer. He calls me 'love' a lot now. Before it was just in texts, but now he'll say it in person or over the phone.

And he's always only wanting me. In a way where if we're going out with mutual friends or something he'll tell his mom like make sure she goes with us. Or like this weekend we have plans together. They're last minute plans but I think it'll be fun.

We're going to see a drive thru show and he's excited to go. I convinced my mom that we (my family and him and his mom) should go out to eat before the show. And she said yes because she's also been getting super close with his mom.

I really am beginning to love the relationship our mothers have with each other. It's like something I've never seen before. My mom has a best friend but the way she acts with my mother in law is different. It's like a good different tho.

It's almost as if we're all getting closer and it's weird to think that maybe this is all it needed to take. I have noticed something in me tho. I've noticed that I don't do any nasty remarks or comebacks to him. I remember when I would be like playfully mean with him.

But now I'm just sweet to him. Kind to him and it's not that I've changed on purpose. It's just that I've noticed I've been more careful in what I say. I think maybe I'm changing or developing for the best.

Maybe this is how long we've need to wait to maybe see if we really want to be with each other. I don't want to get my hopes up. But I just hope that maybe this is a love in a good direction. That someway and somehow this is going to bring me what I want.

I just don't want to think to much into it. If anybody who's reading this can just reach out and maybe give me advice I'll take it.