10.31.22
11:58 pm
I have a feeling E might be lying or might've lied to me. I mean I asked him if he was talking to someone romantically. He said no and I want to believe him but there was a picture of a guy's and a girl's feet. It's the same sneakers he has and jeans.
And you're probably thinking that's just a coincidence, but it can't be because the guy has his jeans cuffed up and E is the only guy I know who does that. The girl put the guy's shoe size, the same as E's. The girl also posted she went to see the exact same movie E did on the exact same night.
So call me crazy or whatever but it adds up. It makes sense because we both know this girl. And I know she's called him cute in the past and has asked for his number. But I asked him and he said no. I didn't mention the pictures or what I have seen.
He got mad because I assumed and was upset. He said he's rather me ask and clear the air. And I want to believe him, but I feel like I'm just waiting for more evidence. More concrete proof. But if I get that then I'll be heartbroken. It broke my heart just to see those photos.
I can't imagine if it's confirmed or proven.
Part of me understands that I assume because I'm insecure. I'm insecure because I see these girls that flirt with him and they're completely different looking than me. They're skinny and petite. With small feet and beautiful faces.
I'm beautiful I know that but I'm bigger. I'm plus size and part of me is insecure because it's like what does he see in me? All his exes were skinny and athletic and then there's me. It just makes me wonder what I have. It makes me think maybe it's deeper than looks which makes me happy but I just get insecure.
Another part of my insecurity comes from him always being nonchalant. He's very calm about his feelings. I'd have to argue and fight with him to get the feelings out. I just don't understand why he can't just reassure but it makes sense cause I also don't reassure him.
We're not in a relationship so we don't have to make each other feel secure. But damn this shit sucks.
I've also held out from having sex with him for TWO MONTHS. it's been fucking hard but I know it's what's best at least for me. For my sanity and heart, the best thing is to be celibate. To not have sex with him even though I really want to.
It's just hard. Everything is hard. Fuck my life.
YOU ARE READING
trying to feel better
Romancethese are all true thoughts and feelings. they belong to me and I've decided to share them with you. in hopes that i will one day feel better. most of these will be about a boy. and the rest will be about me. please be kind.
