trying to feel better

day 919

12.18.22
11:54 pm

It was all a lie.

His feelings genuinely weren't real. I hear the words come out of his mouth but I see the actions that contradict every single thing he's ever told me.

I wanted to stop having sex, not feelings.

My feelings don't just vanish because I'm no longer having sex with him. My feelings still very much exist. My feelings are still real. But how are his like completely gone? And I never realized it until now.

He only wanted sex.

He told me that since I'm not giving him sex he'd have to find it somewhere else. He was joking, but someone told me that a joke always has some truth in it.

That fucking asshole just wanted sex. And it breaks my heart, but some part of me always knew it. Some part of me always suspected it but I was too scared to ask. Too scared to say it out loud and have him admit it.

But I knew all along. And what sucks is that this meant more to me than it did to him. This was my virginity that he took. He took a part of me time and time again.

I allowed him inside me. I gave him parts of myself that I'd never given to anyone. I allowed him to be a part of my sexual journey. I shared an intimate part of myself with someone who in the end didn't care at all.

And this is why I believe so deeply in waiting til marriage. To avoid this pain. To avoid this anger. This frustration. This confusion. It all could have been avoided had I been braver.

My biggest fear is losing him. Believing sex would give me more of him was my own mistake. Believing that we could survive without sex was also a mistake. From the beginning he wanted sex. He made it very clear. No relationship.

From the beginning, I wanted a relationship. I made it clear. Except, in the end, he got sex and I got nothing. In the end, only one of us won. I feel manipulated. I feel tricked into something that I originally was so against.

I feel used by the one person I thought would never use me.

I feel heartbroken by my best friend. The one person who I thought would never hurt me.

I've got to pick the pieces back up. I've got to put myself back together. I need to find myself. The person I was before him. The person I was before he hurt me. Before he took what he took away from me.

He took my light. He took my joy. He took my peace. Because all he ever did was drain me. He is what he is because of me. The love I gave him he took advantage of it. He took advantage of my vulnerability when it came to him.

Now it's in my hands to that back. All of it.