trying to feel better

day 976

01.27.22
1:28 am

I feel like I'm being given a second chance at life.

I don't know how to explain it but this last week has been a hell of a ride. I had meaningless sex that broke my heart. Then I had an amazing weekend with my best friend and her fiancé. And now I'm taking the time to heal my relationship with God.

Hanging out with my best friend always involved him, but these last few days I haven't invited him and I didn't feel his absence. It didn't feel like I was missing something or someone next to me. I actually felt whole on my own.

It made me realize that maybe I'm moving on. Maybe the feelings aren't completely gone, but I'm taking the first step. I'm proud of myself and so is my best friend.

I think I'll feel jealous if he moves on. I'll be upset, but for the wrong reasons. I think part of me wants to be the first to move on. Part of me wants to show that I'm better off without him.

My best friend told me that I'm scared to tell him how I feel because it'll crush him. And I know it'll hurt his feelings, but I can't keep lying. This week we haven't spoken and I actually feel great. I think he and I genuinely need some time apart. It'll be good for both of us.

As for God and me, I've begun reading the Bible these past two mornings. Been starting my day with Him. I've been keeping busy making sure I don't fall into old and bad habits. I feel like I could do this.

Also, I've decided to submit an appeal letter to my old college and pray they'll accept me into the fall semester. I'm actually super excited to get the opportunity (God willing) of going back to school. I feel like I want my degree.

I want to make my parents proud. And I want to make myself proud. I've put off this dream for long enough and I'm praying if it's in God's plan then I'll go. I'll go and be super successful.

I want more for my life. I want to make sure that if I end up alone that I'll never need anyone's help. That I'll be able to provide not only for myself but for my younger sister. I want to be my very own sugar daddy.

I just want so much for myself and this month started rocky, but it seems to be finishing on top. I'm just scared this might be the calm before the storm.

I fear I'm making drastic decisions about my feelings for him without realizing how I really feel yet. I'm scared I might fall back on my feelings for him and I don't want that.

I want more. I deserve more.
I deserve better.
And he can never be better.