trying to feel better

day 1023

03.21.23
2:49 pm

He lied. He made me believe he was in this amazing relationship. That they were perfect for each other. That everything was great. But I think it's the opposite.

When we first spoke of his relationship I was happy for him. But then we'd be on the phone and he'd say sexual jokes. He'd tell me jokingly that we should have sex one last time. That if I didn't tell he wouldn't tell either.

What type of person says that when they're in a relationship? And I feel bad for his girlfriend. I feel that he should respect her more but she's not my friend. And I don't owe her anything. I get how it looks to allow him to make these jokes, but I owe nothing to her.

He's the one win the wrong not me. I'm not going to blast my business to her and then end up with it slapping me in the face. He told her we used to like each other. And when he told me that something didn't sit right with me. Cause why would she allow you to be friends with someone you just had feelings for?

He said we used to like each other in high school. What a liar. I mean he's not lying because that is true, but he's lying about us just now being involved with each other. She doesn't know we've had sex. I get it. If she knew he wouldn't be able to talk to me or even have a friendship with me.

But you're willing to lie just for me? To keep me in your life? I'm really that important to you? I'm worth so much that you'd risk your relationship. I'm not complaining but damn he doesn't wanna let go of me.

On the one part, it makes me feel good. Makes me feel special. That I'm his secret. That what he and I have is so important that he wants to always keep me in his life. But the other part makes me feel bad for her.

Like how am I supposed to hug this girl and be friends with her when I know if she knew she wouldn't like me? When I know that she'd be upset if she found out. She told him she wants to be friends with me. That his best friend should also be her best friend.

Except he's not a girl. She doesn't want to just be my friend. She wants to keep me close. Find out what my intentions are with her boyfriend. But if only she knew I want nothing to do with him romantically. What he and I had was so toxic and draining. It was super intense and it just became too much.

But I get it. She's intimidated by me and my friendship with her boyfriend. I'd do the same. But I'm a girls girl. But I'm also his girl. I'm his best friend and what we've done together will stay between us. What happened between us will forever be special to both of us.

So it's hard. But I owe her nothing. I just don't want to seem two-faced. It is what it is.

I've been dying to hang out with him alone. Dying to see if he's gonna try and make a move. My best friend and her fiancé believe he'll try something with me. They feel like he still has feelings. And I think so too.

His girlfriend told his mom that she was in love with him. And I asked him yesterday if he was in love. He said he'll get there. And I reassured him that he would. He said his feelings for her are an 8.5 and she's at a full 10.

I've always heard this saying, "a relationship will only work if the guy is more invested." He's not that invested. But he also likes to be pursued. He likes being chased and that's one thing I never did.

He told me that when he was struggling between her and me, she became so available. That he and I began to be distant. And I told him I was only distant because I was angry that you had feelings for her too. So I told him I had an excuse you didn't.

It made me feel like he was saying I pushed him onto her. Like she was available and I wasn't. But he made his choice and now he has to live with it. He's not just talking to this girl, he's dating her. It's not like he can just be like this is t working let's stay friends. No, he's already a month into this relationship there's no going back that will end well.

So I hope he doesn't cheat. I hope he doesn't try something with me. I hope he's faithful and rides this relationship out. If they're meant to be then great. If not then I hope he breaks up with her gently.

But I thank God I'm not in her position. I thank God my boyfriend isn't on the phone with his girl best friend saying let's have sex one last time. Joking about when they were intimate. Thank God it's not me.