trying to feel better

day 1107

06.13.23
12:43 am

It's been a long and hard journey dealing with my feelings. When I'm not near him I'm fine. I feel like I'm healing. I feel like I can handle everything and I've moved on. But the minute his name pops up on my phone or I'm around him everything comes rushing back.

The minute I contemplate for too long about him I feel broken all over again. And I'm tired of that feeling. I'm tired of feeling this way because he chose her. He felt I wasn't enough for him and chose someone else and that should've been my sign to let him go.

But how do you break up with someone you were never in a relationship with?

We did things you'd do in relationships. We had sex, went on dates, and spoke every day. But we never made it official.

Two weeks ago he told me he missed me. He called begging for me to have sex with him. What type of guy who's in a relationship does that? He's so self-centered and only cares about what he wants. He doesn't care how his actions affect others and that's wrong. He's not mature enough to be in a relationship and my heart truly goes out to his girlfriend.

It frustrates me every time I see them together or him posting her. Cause it's like bro you're literally begging to have sex with me. Telling me you miss me. Telling me I should be a home wrecker. Like that's insane.

And I don't want to have sex with him ever again. I don't want God to make me go through what he's putting his girlfriend through. I don't want to reap the consequences of my actions by helping him cheat.

So I've backed off. But it hurts me. I miss him so much but I think I just miss having the companionship. Of just having someone who was mine. And it sucks having to let go of that, but I have to love him still because that's what the Bible says. That's what Jesus teaches us.

To love one another.

But it's hard to love someone who broke your heart. It's hard to love someone who used you. It's hard to love someone who made you feel worthless. It's hard to love someone who betrayed you. It's hard to love someone when you've never gotten a sincere apology.

But I'm called to love him still.

Yes, he's apologized but it's never felt sincere. It felt like he said sorry because no matter what he was still in a good position. He let go of me but still had someone else. And writing this makes me wanna cry. Cause as he moved on it felt like my life stopped. It felt like life wasn't worth living. It felt like I no longer had a purpose.

But now I'm finding that purpose again. I'm finding that love through the people in my life. God is healing me through the people who love me the most. I've learned that I'm okay by myself. I'm doing fine without him.

I'm starting school this August and I've decided when my grades are well enough I'm going to join the nursing program. I want to be a nurse. I thought I wanted social work or teaching, but I realized I just want to help people and work one on one.

As a teacher, I know I wouldn't have been happy grading papers for the rest of my life. As a social worker, I knew I couldn't deal with terrible parents or with lots of paperwork and barely any face-to-face. So my middle is nursing.

It's going to be extremely hard, but I feel like if it's truly from God I'll make it. I'll get through it and make myself a career. Cause I don't want a job I want a career. Something that I can support myself and soon support my family.

I'm waiting for my time to come. I'm waiting to fall in love and get married. I'm waiting to have children and have that perfect relationship centered on God. I'm waiting because what God gives He gives good. And I know God has the perfect life planned for me, I've just got to be patient.