trying to feel better

day 430

09.25.21
12:04 pm

He almost had me fooled. I mean I honestly believed him for a second.

Yesterday E finally called me. He said he just needed some space so that he wouldn't say something in a moment of anger. Totally get it. But then I asked is that the only reason why you called and he was like no I just really wanted to talk to you.

FUCKING LIAR. I HATE HIM.

I was like omg wow so we're finally good. And then today we had practice and the girl who likes him was there. EVERY TIME we're all together he's always up her ass. Always like let me show you my volleyball skills. Or messing with her. Or like today he asked if she was gonna go with E and her brother to play basketball tmr. She was like oh yeah I'll go, I'll block you E.

And it really made me realize he likes that shit. He may not like her or maybe he does, but I truly believe that he just likes the attention she gives him. I think he likes knowing that she has feelings for him. Or he likes following her current if you get what I mean.

And I realized that I'm not okay. This friendship with E is too much for me. I wish I'd never had met him. I wish he wasn't in my life. I wish I could just up and move change my number and forget all about him. Cause when I find myself jealous of things like that I don't ever want to resent J. (We'll call the girl who likes him J) I don't ever want my friendship with her to be over or for me to lash out at her because of E.

But he really had me fooled. And then again today he said hi to me with a fist pump. I swear if I could erase him from my life. From my memories I gladly would. I regret every moment I allowed myself to even believe that anything he felt towards me was genuine. That anything he said to me was close to being true.

I hate him and I want nothing to do with him. We're not good. And I need space from him. Like a lot of space.

And I don't even understand why I feel this way. Cause it's like I don't even have strong feelings for him. It's like more of a territorial thing. It's more of a I want him all to myself. I don't want any other girl talking to him or next to him. I this it comes from being attached to him.

Everything he does hurts my feelings. And I just try to ignore him when my feelings are hurt. But if I ignore him then he's upset. If I ignore him he wants answers.

Answers that I honestly can't give him because I don't even know them myself. There's no reason why I should be feeling this way. He's the worst. He treats me horrible. He makes me second guess myself. He makes me feel small. He makes me feel insecure about my place in his life. He makes me feel horrible.

And loving someone should never make you feel that way. I just don't know how to let go of him. I just don't know how to up and walk away. Cause I think part of me fears what my life without him would be like. That nobody else would want me in the way he wants me.

I'm scared that I'll find nobody better then him. I think I've made myself believe that he's the best I'll get. That he's the best for me. When he's not. Someone else will come along and be everything he could never be. Someone else will come along and give me everything he could never give me.

But for now I don't know how to move on. I don't know how to leave without losing him from my life. Cause I lied. I only want him in my life if he's only mine. I only want him in my life as long as there's no other girl. And that's not fair to him or me.

I just don't know what to do. My heart hurts so much right now.