trying to feel better

day 729

07.26.22
11:12 pm

It's been 2 years since I started this journey. And I'd like to think I've grown a lot. I'd like to think that I've changed as a person. And I honestly have. I've made mistakes along the way. I've settled for things that I didn't deserve.

I've had my heart broken time and time again. I've felt like I was in love. Realized I definitely am not. I've felt anger and jealousy in all new ways. I've lost my virginity. I've tried to better myself in every way possible. And the only constants would be myself and him.

He's been just as important as anything else in this journey. He's been the main focus. He's been the main reason for all the ups and downs. And for the first time in two years, I'd have to admit that we're in a good place. For the first time, there are no distractions, maybe one, on either end.

I've noticed a change in our friendship, but that's all that it is; a friendship. I realize that I've always hoped for and sought out a relationship with him. I wanted him to be my boyfriend, but now I realize that that's not what I want.

I want a boyfriend. I want a relationship. I want someone to call my own. I want to be in love. I want all these things, but not with him. It took me this long to realize that although my feelings for him are very strong, I know with every fiber of my being that I want non of these things with him.

I love and adore him. He's my best friend and life without him would be horrible. He will forever have a piece of me. He will forever be important to me. But he's not the one I see a future with.

And the same goes for him. I know he wants a relationship at some point. I know at some point he wants a girlfriend. But I also know that he wants all those things just not with me. And I've accepted that reality. I've come to peace with it and if this changes in the future then so be it.

But for now, I know that this is where I stand. Maybe my mind with change. Maybe I'll have a change of heart and want him to be everything to me. Maybe one day I'll want him to be my husband and the father of my children. But for right now I don't want him to be any of that.

I just want him to be my best friend. I just want us to keep our friendship the way it is. Of course, our friendship isn't like any other friendships that I have. He and I are still very intimate. It's actually been an entire year since we first started doing sexual things. Next month it'll be a year since I gave him my virginity.

But this works for us. Our relationship only works this way because of the connection we have. The connection we've developed over the years. I've never been this close to anyone before. I've never had someone know me like a book. I've never known someone better than I know myself.

But he and I share all these things. We tell each other our secrets. He told me himself today that he can't see a world where he and I aren't at least friends. And he's right. There's not a world that I could ever imagine where we aren't friends or never talk again.

He will forever be in my life. Whether as simply a friend, one-time boyfriend, or husband maybe. All I know is he and I have a bond like no other.

I feel like we were made to be in each other's lives. That we were destined to meet. That we were destined to become this close. I truly believe that this is our destiny.

Whichever way he's in my life all I know is that I can't imagine a life without him. I can't even remember my life when he wasn't in it. He's my best friend. He's truly my other half and I wish people understood the bond he and I have. I wish people would look past everything and see the connection he and I have.

I love him with every fiber of my being. I don't think I'll ever be able to let go of him.

But I will admit I'm scared. I'm scared that this will be our lives. That he and I will get into relationships and cheat with each other. I don't want to find my husband or future boyfriend and cheat with him. I don't want him to find a wife or future girlfriend and end up in bed with me. I don't want for us and I'm scared that if we keep going down this road we'll end up there.

I want more for us. I want us to be happy whether that be with or without each other.